He’s newly married and cheating

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: I’m 18 and I have been with my husband for 2 and a half years now. We’ve been married for less then a year. Ever since the wedding he’s been lying to me a lot, even about other girls. My wedding day experience was horrible. Every time I would look for my new husband I would see his with my maid of honor either talking or coming out of some secluded area. He swears it was nothing but coincidence. A few months later, on my way to visit my husband at his schooling in California, (Due to the actions of another girl) my maid of honor left me in Las Vegas with very little money. Needless to say we aren’t friends any more. Later I found out she tried convincing my husband that it was my fault and that I had not wanted to get back into the car. About a week after being left in Vegas I noticed a strange name on my husband’s phone. I asked him about this, he said it was his room mate. In the next few days to fallow I noticed he was texting this number well thinking I was asleep. I looked at the phone when he finally fell asleep and saw the number had the same area code as us. I looked through my phone because the number looked so familiar. It was the number for the girl who was the reason I was left in Vegas. I also found out he’d been texting my maid of honor too. I confronted him about this and he again lied. This time he told me that he swore on how much he loved me. (When I brought this to his attention later he said he hadn’t realized he had said that) I told him I knew who it was and that I wasn’t stupid. He begged for me to forgive him. I eventually gave him another chance.

So recently, we’re now living in North Carolina, he had a period of a week and a half where he had been working late and all day Saturday and a few hours on Sunday. (About 3 to 4 hours later then normal) He’s in the military so he said it was training, but one night when he came home I saw a text message from another strange name that said “I’m not worth losing your wife over.” I asked him about this. He told me that it was a guy from work that sent it to the wrong person. I was like it this guy gay cause that didn’t make sense to me. My husband agreed that it was weird. Also during this time he seemed like he responded to me a lot less. I was pretty sure he was cheating. So I asked him. He told me with all that was going on it sure did seem like it but he would never do that because he saw how much it hurt me when he was talking to the other girl behind my back. I believed him. Later I found out he really had been working late so my suspicion was a lot less, and after the week and a half was over he responded to me more. So, I just thought it was ’cause of the stress at work. Then last night I was playing on the internet and I saw an add for a reverse number site. I grabbed my husband’s phone, and got the number. I inserted then number several times trying to find a name for it, but every search came back empty handed. I gave up on it, but still curious I looked through my husbands recent calls. I saw a number with our old area code so I thought maybe he had been speaking to that girl or my maid of honor, again. So I grabbed my phone to look up those numbers and low and behold my maid of honor’s number was the same as the guy from work’s number just with a North Carolina area code instead of a New Mexico one.

I confronted him about it again and he again lied. I proved it to him (not that he needed it) by showing him the two numbers side by side. At first he acted like wow that’s like a one in a million chance, but after me refusing to talk to him he admitted it. Again, he begged me to forgive him. This time I told him I didn’t know if I could. I asked him about the conversation and at first all he said is he asked her how she had been doing because he had not seen her in awhile. So asking that was not worth losing his wife over? It still didn’t make sense to me. So I asked him again. He reluctantly admitted asking her for a picture and then telling her she was beautiful and that is when she sent the, I’m not worth losing your wife over text. Some how I don’t believe that is all that was said. Plus, I saw him delete her number after the previous event, which means he had to sneak into my phone to get her number. I’m not sure what to do. I love him so much that I don’t want to leave him, but I want to let him know that I won’t be walked on. I have forgiven him for many other things that a woman could possibly leave a man for. I don’t want him to take my love for him as a sign of weakness or an okay sign to do what ever he wants to.

A: At 18, in love, and newly married, you should be having a wonderful, wonderful time. Not this. You may be ready to be married but he has been showing you again and again that he isn’t. I’m so sorry that things are working out this way for you. When you’re not upset and angry, you must be very, very disappointed and sad.

Unfortunately, the two of you have been setting the terms for how you’re going to be married ever since your wedding day and it’s not pretty. He cheats and lies. You worry, get upset, and look for evidence. He gets caught but acts like he’s sorry. You forgive. And he’s good to go again. Your trust is further eroded. He thinks he’s figured out how to be married and single too. If you don’t do something really, really major, this is what your life will be like forever. I think you deserve better.

It’s doubtful he’ll believe any ultimatum on your part at this point. As upsetting as this is, I really think you need to see a lawyer. Find out what your rights are and what would be involved for getting a divorce. Then ask your husband if he really wants a marriage or would be just as happy to have a divorce. If he says he wants to try (and you still have it in you to try too), insist on couples counseling immediately and hold him to it. Within a few months, you should know whether or not a marriage with this guy will work. If it doesn’t, you will know that you’ve done everything you could. Then, please, move on. Better to have a short early marriage and learn from the mistake than to sign on for a lifetime of doubts and anxiety and betrayals. You deserve someone who will love you and cherish you and be a real partner to you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jul 2008

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). He’s newly married and cheating. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/07/30/hes-newly-married-and-cheating/

Want a more immediate answer from others like you?
Use your Psych Central account in our self-help support community.

Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter


Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code



Users Online: 15812
Join Us Now!