Boyfriend and his mom are too close

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q from Malaysian teen: My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years 2 months,we used to be very happy together but there is someone bothering our relationship.i hate his mother!

My boyfriend’s dad passed away for 11 years, and his mom got another man living with her. No,they weren’t married but they have a child ( girl,3yrs old this year) His mom,she do receive ‘salary’ from her man, but she still do illegal things to get money. She barely spends time for her baby at all! His mom is like a heavily alcoholic when it comes to party at home, including karoake sessions at home. It’s not a nice view for your kids to see you drunk right? She doesn’t care !She even flirt with his bestfriend’s husband in her home and she even let that guy touch her privates! and her kids (teen age) knows it! i mean ,wont she feel ashamed?

Now my real problem is that my boyfriend rather spends time with her than me. My boyfriend constantly calls her,even at work! he didn t call me or contact me. In fact, He like his mom’s ‘life’( karaoke sessions) and go home to find her,He keep giving me excuses that he wanted to visit and help or what, but his mom is fine!I mean, she doesn’t have disease, trouble in walking, no transport or financial problem or what.You see, that’s what i really hate about my boyfriend. At times, my boyfriend stays in her room( with the baby) from 8pm until 4 am constantly for few weeks! He keep giving excuses that he wanna share his problems with his mum, but why can’t he do it in living room ?dining room? or even day time on open space? not in her room! You would suspect that they are having sex or what,yeah that bother’s me alot. Whatever i told him like my problems or anything, he would tell his mum! even our sex time! i mean our private topics, he even tell his mum!

I need your advice,i cant tell my mum (she will tell me to get off the relationship) or my friends or anyone! i cant help it, i keep having this thinking of him and his mum having private sessions! argh Urgent help! i facing this everyday!

A: I’m very, very sorry that you are going through such a hard time. But I think you already know that this man is not the man for you. You can’t tell your mum or your friends about your problems because you already know what they are going to say and you know in your heart that they are right. However charming and sweet your boyfriend can be, he is too busy being his mother’s playmate to be in a relationship with you. The two of them are very much a couple, whether or not they are having sex.

Please save yourself more pain. End this. You can’t make your boyfriend grow up. You can’t make his mother grow up either. Make yourself available again to boys your age who are interested in getting to know you and exploring what it means to be an intimate partner. You deserve to be cherished and respected. Don’t settle for anything less.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Jul 2008

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). Boyfriend and his mom are too close. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/07/08/boyfriend-and-his-mom-are-too-close-2/

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