From an 18 year old in Poland: My last boyfriend left me over a year ago. Since then there was no one I ever liked. And now I’ve found someone I think I could be with. When I saw him for the first time I thought “I could be with such a man,” and after some time I made up my mind and asked for his phone number. We’ve met each other already – there were other people too, because we went to the bar, but we sat together, and at some point we began kissing. I know that nothing really happened (especially as we were both a little drunk), but after my last relationship I want to be careful before I get committed. From talking to him I know that we like similar things, music, books, we both sing in choirs; he attracts me sexually, I like how he looks like (not classically handsome, but just as I described my perfect imaginary boyfriend). What’s more, when I’m with him I stop thinking about my ex (about whom I still am very upset). There’s only one problem – he smokes. For me it’s a very important issue, for various reasons I don’t want to be with a smoker (one of them is my grandfather died because of cigarettes). I want to know if I have any chance of making him stop, if we’ll get closer. I know that I have to think about it now, before I get involved. For now I don’t even know if he’ll want to continue, so I have some time, but still I have to know what should I do in this case.

A: You are wise to ask these questions at the outset. The fact is that no one can make anyone do anything. But sometimes people will do things because someone they care about wants them to. Quitting smoking is hard but not impossible, especially when you are young. It will come down to whether this guy wants you more than he wants to smoke. If he shows interest, all you can do is be honest with him and let him know that his smoking habit is a problem. Then see what he does.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Jun 2008