Too many problems

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: From American east coast: Ok This is more than one problem here. I’ll try to explain as briefly and thouroughly as I can. My bf has a two year old son and I have no kids.(It’s hard to tansition to having a baby for a month than not and over again) We have him of and on in the months, but when we have him there is no time for us. We have sex maybe once a week. His son sleeps with us, so it makes it difficult there. I miss being next to him at night. I can’t initiate sex either. I don’t know how. I keep thinking what if I do or try and it isn’t appealing and I just look like a fool to him. And he always has to have fellatio before intercourse. There is never any fore play, except that in his benefit. I don’t understand why he doesn’t pleasure me more. And then the last couple days I tell him no to certain things or that it hurts and he keeps it up, like sitting on my face to try to fart or trying to put his fist up my vagina or in my mouth. This bothers me. I’m 18 and he’s 27.

He was in a two year relationship with baby’s mother. I don’t know exactly what happened with them. And I’m in the divorce process with my ex right now. He is in the military and I was in, so we are use to calling each other by last name. We don’t do it in person no more and I changed it on my phone but he hasn’t on his. He also won’t tell some girls on base who his gf is. He just says it is none of their business I just feel like he just is ashamed of me. I also feel rejected when the baby is down. He always shows him off and says this is my son and I’m left out. I can’t have kids. He doesn’t know this, but his son is prolly the closet I’ll get to my own. I also want to meet the baby’s mother, but he’s keeping that away. He also has a girl in his phone that txt and says that she misses him and asks for his address and all. They call each other varoius times a week.. I have no clue who she is.(Baby’s mother also called on father;’s day and told him she loved him. She has a bf!) H talks of marriage after my divorce before he goes into special forces, but I don’t know I don’t want to get a divorce again. Help!

A: Your boyfriend’s behavior should bother you. He is sexually selfish and may be untrustworthy besides. He doesn’t take your feelings into account on many matters of importance. He may be almost 10 years older, but he certainly isn’t acting like a mature man. He seems more interested in getting what he wants when he wants it than in sharing a life with you.

If he’s talking marriage, he absolutely should introduce you and the baby’s mother to each other and he should be helping you develop a cooperative and respectful relationship. After all, you will both be mothering this child.

Meanwhile, you are only 18 and already getting a divorce. You are probably in no shape emotionally to be making a good choice for yourself right now. I strongly urge you to take a huge step back and not allow yourself to be pressured into a marriage with this man. Take the time to get to know yourself better and to learn to love yourself. You are right to be concerned about a second divorce if you marry this guy. So am I.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 17 Jun 2008

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). Too many problems. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/06/17/too-many-problems-2/

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