How do I help controlling boyfriend?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: From the American south: I have been with my boyfriend for a year. We had a rocky start, him cheating and lieing for over 3 months. I forgave and we tried to move on. I started catching him in so many lies, some petty and others so upsetting to our relationship. He also has shown so many signs of anger and trying to control everything. He insults me and constantly insinuates things about me (you are talking to boss/class mate/ect). I have kids from a previous relationship and he expects me to not be friends with my ex. We were friends before we were in a relationship and we both agreed that friends was better for us. My boyfriend is so jealous and recently chased my ex ,who had our 2 year old in the car, to confront him for telling me I looked nice. He also threatens himself and my ex. He has made some aggressive advances on me as well (pushing, choking, yanking). His lies and behavior is making me want to disappear. I do love the good parts of him, but at times I wonder if there are good parts or if it is all a lie. I am so insecure to trust him since he lies so much. I just want help. I dont know what to do. He admits that he lies and says he cant help it. It is hard to tell the truth when asked any question. He does not admit that there is an issue of expecting certain things, such as me not talking to my ex or it is sexually related. Why is he this way and how do I help him or get out of the situation?

A: It doesn’t matter why your boyfriend is the way he is. You can’t help him because he doesn’t want to change. You need to get out of this relationship – now! No one deserves to be treated as he is treating you. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. You don’t want them growing up with this as a model for how an adult man treats a woman he says he loves.

You’ve only been in this relationship for a year. Cut your losses. You are in no way obligated to stay with a man who is jealous, violent, untrustworthy, and controlling.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Jun 2008

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). How do I help controlling boyfriend?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/06/16/how-do-i-help-controlling-boyfriend/