Help! Mom Hates Fiance.

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. My mom hates my fiance and says he’ll end up just like my dad: Im currently really confused about my situation. My Mother really dislikes my fiance because of his nationality. He is vietnamese.. just like my father. My parents seperated when i was less then 1. My brother and I were physically abused by my father leaving my mom defending 2 babies. after the seperation my mom always told me not to date someone that was vietnamese. But i fell in love with my fiance, and I know he loves me very much, but i cant get my mother to accept this fact. shes been telling me a lot lately that he’s going to end up just like my father who cheated and was abusive. I guess she just knows my fears.. but i really hope that he doesnt turn out like my father. Im not getting married any time soon but i know hes the one that i want to be with. how will i get my mom to just give him a chance?

A. The problem here is that your mother is convinced that all Vietnamese men are terrible people because of her negative experience. This is unfortunate because her thinking is uninformed. It is unreasonable to believe that because her husband, who happened to be of Vietnamese descent, treated her badly that all other Vietnamese men are equally as bad. This is prejudiced thinking and it is unfair to your fiancé.

You may not be able to convince your mother to give him a chance. She may always think this way about your fiancé and all Vietnamese men. Realize that she may have her mind already made up and there may be little that you can do to change her thinking on this matter.

He may be like your father who abandoned you but whether he is or isn’t has nothing to do with his nationality, race or the color of his skin. If your fiancé did treat you the same way in which your father treated your mother, it would have more to do with his lack of honesty and integrity as a person and certainly not his nationality.

You said you’re not getting married any time soon and this is good because this will allow you time to get to know him. If he is good to you and treats you with honor and respect, that’s great; you may have found yourself a good husband. If he does not treat you well, this is a red flag and you should not marry him.

Perhaps after you date him for some time and he is good to you, your mother may come to see him differently. She may come to realize that not all Vietnamese people (and this is true for all people) are alike.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Jun 2008

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2008). Help! Mom Hates Fiance.. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/06/16/help-mom-hates-fiance/