Q: From Canada: I’m 19, and I have had a boyfriend for over a year now. when we first began dating we had sex all the time, but now I don’t want sex anymore. I don’t even realize that sometimes I make him go as much as three weeks at a time without any sexual contact. I love him very much and this is causing a strain on our relationship, every time I think I have solved the problem he still feels dissatisfied (when he brought it up that it was a problem I started having more sex with him, not because I wanted to, he quickly noticed of course and feels guilty when I ‘give in’ because he feels like he’s forcing me into it) we live together and I lead a very busy life currently, but it never changes whether my schedule is busy or not (as I have gone long periods of unemployment in the last year) I know this is not normal, especially since I’m so young. I have also gained a lot of weight since we first began dating,which has affected my self esteem greatly. but I don’t even masturbate and only think about sex when he brings it up. this is causing him to have low self esteem as well and of course a big strain on our relationship. I need a solution, because I am afraid that we will have a very turbulent future and marriage if nothing changes.
A: You’re right. At 19, you are much too young to be disinterested in sex. Something else is going on. Weight gain can be a symptom of a medical or psychological problem. The first thing you need to do is get a medical exam. There are a number of physical problems that can cause a drop in libido and a gain in weight. If you check out medically, then I do suggest you see a therapist. It could be that you are more depressed than you are admitting to yourself. Then again, there may be another issue that you didn’t think to mention in your letter but that talking to a therapist would help you look at. You owe it to yourself and to your boyfriend to take steps to figure out what the problem is and to address it. However much you love each other, a marriage that lacks sexual intimacy probably won’t last.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Jun 2008
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). I don’t want sex anymore. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 10, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/06/06/i-dont-want-sex-anymore/