What’s up that I’m so Insecure?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: From a 30-something in the US: I’m insecure and can’t figure out how to handle it. I recently started seeing a new guy. He has a great character, responsible, mature, focused…much more. We met and immediately recognized the compatibility. He knows what he wants, he’s been married and going through a divorce so he’s figured out what he needs in a partner. He said he found that in me.

We moved pretty fast. He didn’t want to develop a sexual relationship until his divorce was out of the way, but it happened, once. We did talk about it and we said it didn’t change our intentions of developing a relationship. Unfortunately, we met just before he was to move across the country. We’ve been in contact daily, I seem to do most of the initiating. I require constant contact and affirmation that he is still there and still interested. I notice this is a pattern for me.

I don’t want to blow this opportunity with this great guy but being needy or contacting him too much. I will get frazzled if I don’t hear from him for a day. I immediately think something is wrong. When in fact he is just getting settled into a new life across the country, new job, etc. He drove 4 days across country and still text and phone me. Yet when he gets there and I don’t get a response from him within a day I freak out! He has given me no reason not to trust him or believe him. He’s proven that thus far. It’s all me and I don’t know how to control my anxiety and racing mind of negative thoughts and concerns. This is brand new relationship, infancy and it got started fast because of the compatibility we have and because we needed to get in as much face time as possible before he left. How do I control my insecurities or beat them. I don’t want to blow this!! Help.

My friends tell me to give the relationship some air to breathe, consider what he has on his plate right now, to take it slow, don’t jump ahead to future scenario’s, be patient and work on my self-control, don’t pester and drive him away, but trust that he is there and if anything changes he will say so. I know in my gut I can trust him and that he won’t disappear if he decides this isn’t working for him, rather he will talk to me about it. I know he has the character to treat me with respect. I just freak out without that constant contact and affirmation. I want to move ahead full speed, I want to move to be with him, I want to talk to him everyday, I want to know everything about him and want him to know everything about me. I excited to develop this relationship but I have an intense feeling to do it NOW and not over time. What is up with that?! Help.

A: Please listen to your friends. They are very wise. Please listen to your own good sense. That side of you is wise too. The part of you that is in such a hurry is the part that will sabotage everything.

I don’t know what’s up with you that you are so desperate for contact. My only guess is that there is something about this situation that is triggering some old hurts or anxieties. If you can’t settle down, I suggest you find a counselor to help you. Far better to unload your insecurities on a professional who might be able to help you figure yourself out than to unload them on your boyfriend and blow the relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 22 May 2008

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). What’s up that I’m so Insecure?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 19, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/05/22/whats-up-that-im-so-insecure/