Q. Before we met we talked to each other through emails many times. We started our first date two weeks ago. The first date was wonderful. I found he was a nice-looking guy, and he was full of humor. He also told me he was a physician and he just moved to this city two months ago and he was currently living in his brother’s house. He was looking for his own house but still in debating. Our first date ended with warm kisses. I believe we had strong chemistry between us. Then he asked for 2nd. date. Actually I don’t want to go out with him too often in a week because I am very busy especially at the end of semester. I told him I had a good time with him on the first date, I would like to meet him sometime next week. But he said he wanted to meet me soon and wanted to have a relationship with me. So I met him again two days after 1st. date. On the 2nd. date, we had sex. After sex, I asked him what his real name, which hospital he works for and where he lives, he changed the subject and tried to avoid these questions. Now I met him four times. All he talked about was sex. He asked out again. I asked him the same questions that I asked him before – what is your real name, where do you work and where do you live, he still didn’t answer my questions. I told him I slept with somebody which I didn’t really know. He told me that he had bad relationship before. His ex copied his credit card and personal information and used all his money. He said to me he would bring me to see his colleagues and his family after the exam in June. I don’t trust him. I don’t think he treated me fairly. He knows my name, where I study and where I live. But I know nothing about him, I mean I cannot verify any information he told me. He wants to hide all his information, how can I trust he is going to bring me to meet his colleagues and his family. I don’t know what kind of person he is ? Shall I continue the relationship with him or I should stop ? I appreciate your advice.
A. The fact that he will not reveal any information about himself is a red flag. He has already lied to you (another red flag) and only seems interested in sex. He can only continue seeing you for sex if you continue to meet him and engage in sex.
If you want to get to know him further and he will not reveal this information to you then it’s within your power to stop seeing him. If you want to know more about him, but he does not tell you and then you meet him for sex anyway, you are in essence excusing and allowing his behavior to continue.
My sense of the situation is that if you want a different type of relationship with him, other than a sexual relationship, and he does not seem interested (i.e. continues to be secretive, lies, etc.) then it’s wise to stop seeing him, or at least stop seeing him temporarily until you can resolve this problem. No good relationship can continue functionally if it’s built on lies and mistrust. If you are not getting what you want out off the relationship you are not obligated to stay in it.
Talk to him about your concerns. If he is not interested in addressing them and seems only interested in sex, and this is not what you want, then it may be time to move on.
As a final word of advice, you should never meet with someone in person whose factual identity is unknown to you. This is not only foolish but potentially deadly. Take care.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 28 Apr 2008
Randle, K. (2008). Should I Break it Off With My On-line Boyfriend?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 7, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/04/28/should-i-break-it-off-with-my-on-line-boyfriend/