How do I help my husband face that he is gay?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for almost 8 years. We have 3 kids. My husband cheated on me with a woman about 5 months ago and we are trying to get past it now that it is out in the open and the affair is over with. When we started to have sex again, he wanted to pretend that there was another man with us having sex. He wanted to the oral with him etc. I asked him how long he had these feelings. And he said for around 15 or so years. Now I saw on his computer that he is looking at gay adult movies, pictures etc. And looking at gay people posting ads for sex. This is a daily thing that he does; almost an obsession. He has responded to some ads saying he wanted to get together sexually with him.
With all this information, I believe he is gay. I don’t think that he will come out and say it. He is now a severe alcoholic and smokes way too much. I believe that is from not facing that he is gay.
How do I talk to him about this without him feeling mortified that I know his secret? I want to remain friends with him, as I still love him and have kids with him. I do not want to be married anymore. What is the best way to talk to him and help him with this?
Thank you for your help!!

A: You love this man a lot to look past your own pain to see his struggle. You are wise to try to find a way to preserve a friendly relationship with the father of your children, while still freeing you both to find an intimate partner.

I suggest you call the San Francisco Sex Information line at 415-989-SFSI. Volunteers go through extensive training in all aspects of sexuality, including sexual identity. They may be able to provide you with the information you are looking for.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Apr 2008

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). How do I help my husband face that he is gay?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/04/21/how-do-i-help-my-husband-face-that-he-is-gay/