Too little too late?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband and I were together for 3 yrs before we got married and waited until we were married to have sex. Once we were married. I found that sex was painful. Over the course of 4 yrs. we have only tried to have sex a handful of times and all times ended in frustration and emotional pain.

I recently found out the the cause of all this sexual frustration is vaginismus and have been referred to a sex therapist by my gynocologist. I fear that this diagnosis has come too late as my husband is done with our relationship. He now says that he has no sexual interest in me at all. I will be planning a visit to this therapist within the next few days but was wondering if I’m wasting my time? Is there any way to help my husband to get his sex drive back in reference to me? He says that he dosen’t believe that anything can be done and thinks that we are wasting our time. That he wants to simply start over and that he’ll never be able to have sex with me without wondering why it had to take so long.

Please help me! This is the love of my life. I’m just dying inside seeing that it has come to this and so desperately want hope, but don’t want to keep deluding myself if there is no therapy that will fix this. Please let me know if it is possible for therapy to help my situation. Thank you very much.

A: Please tell your husband that the reason it took so long is that neither one of you had the information you needed to fix this. It’s not his fault and it’s not your fault. I’m so, so sorry that you didn’t get an accurate diagnosis long ago. Vaginismus is highly treatable. In fact, studies show an almost 100% cure rate.

I do understand that your husband is discouraged and disappointed. I hope he will look at the following websites with you:
www.vaginismus.com
www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org

I hope that he will give your marriage a few more months while you work with your therapist to get better. With treatment and his love and support and encouragement, the two of you can finally have a normal sex life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 9 Feb 2008

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). Too little too late?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/02/09/too-little-too-late/