Can I Learn to Trust my Boyfriend?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend a year and 1/2. When i met him and I asked him all about him. “How old are you?, do you have kids?, who do you live with?” the typical questions. As time went by i fell in love with him I knew he had a kid with a woman in his country, but did not know he was still married to her. It broke my heart. He promised me that his relationship was over and that he only sends her money for his son. He made me believe that the relationship is over and till this day he says he wants nothing to do with her, but can’t tell her that he is in this country with me. I want to finish this relationship, is so hard because I love him and at the same time I hate him for lying to me. I hold that against him and constantly fight about it. I don’t trust anything he says to me anymore and I don’t know what to do. He swears that he loves me and I believe he does. He says he will fix things. What should I do? How should I handle this? Is it worth it to wait?

A: Good relationships are built on honesty and trust as well as love. But people are people and sometimes they slip up. When that happens, what matters is what they do next. In his case, your boyfriend is still not being honest with either you or his wife. (In fairness, there may even be a very good reason but if that were the case, he could be sharing that reason with you.) Without honesty, love simply isn’t enough. You will always be wondering whether he is being truthful. He will always know that you don’t see him as an honest man. No wonder you are fighting. It’s very difficult to sustain a relationship when there is that sort of undercurrent. I’m not optimistic about his ability to fix this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Dec 2007

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). Can I Learn to Trust my Boyfriend?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 19, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/12/27/can-i-learn-to-trust-my-boyfriend/