i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and i love him more than anything.i know that he had a tough childhood and his parents were divorce when he was very young. after all this time that we are together even though i know he loves me but he has truble showing his feeling to me and all people around him. i am happy with him most of the times but when he gets upset he screams and gets out of control and it has happened a few times that he broked his own stuff. when we argue i dont even scream and im calm but when i see he is screaming and mad i think that maybe its a mistake that im with him.i have talked with him he has been better but really hasnt change. what should i do? he also talks a bout marriage and im really not sure if he will get worse or better? do u think this is an abusive relationship?
A: I don’t think this is an abusive relationship — yet. Your boyfriend has shown some control by only breaking his own things. That’s to his credit. However, he clearly has problems handling emotions, both positive, loving feelings and angry, frustrated feelings. I suggest you tell him that you love him so much you want to be sure that your love lasts. He needs to see a counselor to help him learn to handle feelings so that you can feel safe marrying him and so he can be sure that he won’t accidentally lose it and hurt you. Be sure to let him know that you understand he didn’t get a lot of help growing up and that it’s not his fault that feelings overwhelm him. But it is his fault if he doesn’t do what he can to fix it.
If he loves you enough to get therapy and make some changes, you’ll know that he is willing to do his part to make a good life for the two of you. If he doesn’t make the effort, chances are a marriage with him will end in divorce, just like his parents’ marriage did.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Dec 2007
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). Should I be with him?. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 29, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/12/13/should-i-be-with-him/