I have been married for 3 months and my husband don’t touch , talk, or sleep in the same room as I do. Recently he has been texting and call his ex. when I tell him that I think he should stop he say’s that she is his friend but he forgot that he told me that she cheated on him when they were together and that she is no good, so why would he want to keep in contact with someone like that?
My husband has a lot of issues and I believe that he suffers from depression or may even be bipolar. He drinks everyday, has up’s and down mood swings, never wants to have sex or even touch me, talks about how bad his childhood was, complains about his job everday and show me no attention ever. About 3 1/2 years ago 4 men broke into his house and shot him twice and slit his neck but he lived through all of that. he went to councelin for awhile and stoped but I have convienced him to go back.
I want my marriage to work but i dont know if I can now put up with the ex’s calling and him making me feel that they are more important then me. When i try and tell him how I feel about it he say’s thing like im jealous, crazy, and that I need to get help. He says as long as he is not having sex with them then what is the problem. I would not have a problem if he did not hide or lie about it. If it’s nothing then why does he feel the need to sneek and do it.
A: You may be terribly disappointed. You may be angry. You may be confused. But you are not crazy. This is a sad, sad situation. I’m sure this isn’t what you had in mind when you married your husband. What you didn’t tell me is whether he has always been this way. I’m guessing that your husband has been struggling with his issues for a long time but he was able to hold it together for the shorter periods of togetherness that went with dating. Now that you are together more and more dependent on each other, he is less able to manage his personal troubles. I’m also guessing that you were so in love with him that you didn’t let yourself see how troubled he really is. It sounds like he can’t manage the closeness that marriage usually requires. He puts former partners, alcohol, and blame in the middle of your marriage to avoid being close to you. Having come so close to death, it’s as if he is afraid to completely love and live. I’m really glad you talked him into returning to therapy and I wish him all the best as he works on making peace with himself.
Meanwhile, you have an important decision to make. If your husband continues to refuse to take responsibility for himself and doesn’t make a genuine effort to change, it may be that this marriage was a mistake. If, on the other hand, he stops blaming you, starts going to AA instead of to the bottle, stops calling ex lovers and starts doing serious work in therapy, he will be showing you that the marriage means as much to him as it does to you. In that case, it may be that the two of you can make a real marriage. I do suggest you find a therapist for yourself to help you figure out what to do and to give you some support. It is also important for you to understand how you got yourself into this situation so you don’t contribute to it and so, if you do separate, you don’t do it again.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Dec 2007
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). Her husband ignores her feelings.. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 29, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/12/13/her-husband-ignores-her-feelings/