I’m jealous of my girl’s guy friends.

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than two years now. We both love each other very much. My girlfriend likes making friends and she is a good listener. Whenever she talks to male friends I get jealous and I keep thinking about it whenever I’m not with her that oh she must be talking with him or she must be with him. She started liking this guy who she thinks he is cute and spending time with him at school while I’m in class or talking and texting to him all the time. We had argued about it and she said it’s nothing but just friends but I always doubted her and checked her phone that she made any calls to him or texted him and after a while she completely stopped talking or texting him. Then at work she was talking to this dude and giving rides to him to home after work in the night and again we had a fight over this issue and she stopped talking to him also.

Until I recently found out that she is talking to this gay security guy who works with her at work. She calls him, texts him and they both bring coffees to each other and hang out. While I was checking her phone and went to organize her contacts and I found out this guy’s number and asked her whose number is this and she lied to me saying it’s a girl number and she snatched the phone away from me and locked it. I called that number from my phone and I found out that was a guy. I caught her a couple of times when she was with me and texting to him. And I caught her red handed talking to him in the parking lot while she said to me she is still working late night at 12pm and she gave me a story of some trouble and that’s why this security guy was here. And she was eraseing the messages from him somehow I managed to checked the messages.

These messages are disturbing to me and we fought and she told me that she was hiding from me because I get mad if she talks to any guy friends even if he is straight or gay. And she said he is a gay and they are just friends and nothing much going on between them. And said that she loves me more than anything else. After we fight over she calls me and talks to me very sweet she writes messages like she loves to me death, but I still have doubt whenever she tells me something where I feel she is lying to me.

Is there anything I should worry about? What is happening I’m I just insecure or jealous. She even told me once that I’m a very insecure person. I’m really confused. What should I do so that I can trust her completely? Or is it I created this problem myself doubting her all the time when she was talking to guy friends. I don’t know I can’t sleep properly and I’m thinking about it all the time. What can I do to improve our relationship and my doubts and insecurity? I have totally commited to her and want to get married to her and love her to death. Please help.

A: Your problem is with yourself, not your girlfriend. You are so worried that you will lose her that you are now behaving in ways that are going to guarantee it. You two are now in a vicious cycle: You don’t trust her and try to control her. She lies to you in order to avoid your anger and control. When you catch her, you get even more jealous and distrustful. On and on it goes. Unless you figure out how to trust your girlfriend’s love for you and let up on trying to control her, you will never have a healthy relationship. You can’t spend your whole life worried that your girlfriend is cheating. She can’t spend her whole life worried about your worries.

However much you love your girlfriend, love without trust is no basis for a marriage. If you really want to give your relationship a chance, please get yourself to a professional therapist to figure out how to handle your insecurities. You both deserve peace of mind.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Oct 2007

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). I’m jealous of my girl’s guy friends.. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/10/08/im-jealous-of-my-girls-guy-friends/