I’m a 28 year old mom of 4 children. I recently left their father that I was with for 12 and a half years. Before we separated in June, I started dating his best friend in January. We found that we had a great connection and we got along great. We have everything in common and we have an awesome physical relationship. He has 3 children and I have 4. The major problems with our relationship now that I’m completely separated, is that he lives 6 and a half hours away and he’s married.
When we got together it was not done on purpose. It just happened. We grew a strong friendship, and soon we fell in love with each other. He says he’s gonna leave his wife and we will be together, but how much faith am I supposed to have in that? How do I believe that he’s truly gonna divorce his wife? How do I deal with him being so far away?
I’ve tried to find ways to deal with everything, but it seems like as soon as I get a hold on everything, something goes wrong. He’s always got reasons why he has to stay there, with her, just a little longer. How do I believe him completely or should I even bother with it at all? I know dating a married man is wrong in so many ways, but it happend, we fell in love, and I can’t seem to let him go no matter what I tell myself.
A: You started this relationship in January and left your husband in June. Either your marriage had been going wrong for a long time and you needed a new relationship to help you pull out of it or you got intoxicated by a new romance and risked everything to have that wonderful in love feeling again. It’s probably even more complicated. Whatever was the case, you are now newly single with the responsibility of 4 children. You may be so scared of what it means that you are trying hard to hold onto a losing situation.
I don’t think you should have much faith in your new guy. A married man who will carry on an affair with a married woman (his best friend’s wife, no less!) isn’t the best bet. In addition to the moral issues are the practical ones: He also has kids. He lives far away. He’s got to know that if he does get a divorce and go with you, he’ll be helping support his own kids and probably yours as well. That’s 7 kids to take care of and to care about. Thinking about the emotional and financial costs should be dashing some cold water on this hot romance for both of you.
Your problem now is how to help your children deal with the loss of the family they thought they had. That’s a tall order. Rather than distract yourself by obsessing about this guy, I think you need to take another look at your marriage and decide if it’s salvageable. If so, see if you can get your husband to join you in some marriage counseling. If not, you need to focus on how to make a life for yourself and your children.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Oct 2007
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). Dating Married Man Isn’t Working Out.. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 8, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/10/08/dating-married-man-isnt-working-out/