My boyfriend is my daughter’s age.

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
September 29, 2007

I am in a relationship will someone who is 17 yrs younger than I am. We have been dating for 18 months. I love him a lot and we talk about spending our lives together. I just truly got comfortable in the relationship. He was a live in boyfriend up until a month ago then he decided to get some of the things in his life on the right track; college, a good job, he says to help support us. Yesterday, he broke it off, saying I deserve someone better and someone with more money.He said his family is upset by the age difference and looks down on him for it.

Was I crazy for expecting this relationship to work? I am hurting deeply but I am starting to think I was crazy. I didn’t say anything to anyone about this relationship because I wasn’t sure they would approve. Now I am crying a lot and can’t talk to anyone. How am I supposed to get over him?

A: One of my good teachers once said that the crazier in love someone is, the more inappropriate the relationship. I’m sure your boyfriend is a sweet man. But it’s highly unusual for relationships like this to last. In this case, I’m sure you were both aware that he is the same age as your daughter. However romantically interested you are, it is still true that you have more control in the relationship by virtue of your life experience and your role as a mother of someone who is his peer. Add in his family’s disapproval and the relationship didn’t have much of a chance. (Honestly. Wouldn’t you have big questions if your daughter started dating a man your age?)

You had a wonderful time with someone who affirmed your attractiveness and who gave you a lovely romance. Now it’s time to get back to earth and start looking for a man who remembers Duran Duran and Men at Work, who came of age during the Reagan years, who remembers when Star Wars came out for the first time, and whose first computer was probably an Apple IIE. You’ll have a lot more in common. Seriously, with the right guy your age, you’ll have the chance to build a relationship that is grounded in mutual respect and equality instead of the dynamics of power and control that often come with a huge age gap.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie