I want my wife to control me.

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I work for myself and have difficulty with self motivation. I’ve asked my wife to become more dominant in our relationship. I want her to assign me chores, review my weekly business goals, and if I’ve failed in either area to discipline me by assigning extra chores, lectures, grounding, and spanking. We’ve been happily married for 27 years.

I didn’t discover my feelings for femdom until after I married or I would not have dated anyone that was not femdom. I’ve tried to suppress these feelings. In the past I’ve thrown out all my femdom books, only to have the feelings return even stronger than before. This isn’t something that is going away.

I have my own business and work out of the house. I’m having trouble focusing and doing the work I need to do. Eventually, there will be consequences — lost income and business opportunities, but the consequences are so far away that they don’t motivate me.
I want my wife to motivate me with immediate punishment if I don’t meet the goals I’ve set for myself and that she sets for me, but she ignored the letter I wrote her expressing this need.

I was raised without discipline from the age of 13. My parents were too busy and I raised myself and I learned to be sneaky and not get caught. My wife is aware of my upbringing. She says she doesn’t want to be my mother. I’m not looking for a mother, but I would like her to hold me accountable for my actions.

I’m very depressed. This is a real issue for me. Help. What can I do?

A: It’s one thing to want to play at times that one or the other of you is “dominant.” But to expect your wife to be your full time manager is unfair to you both, especially when you put it in the context of a very thinly veiled threat of disastrous financial consequences. Your wife is smart. If she played mom, your adolescent self would only rebel and you would both be no better off than you are now.

You owe it to yourself and your wife to get into serious therapy. Your wife could probably also use some coaching. You need to learn to be a fully functioning adult. She needs to learn ways to be supportive of you without falling into being your babysitter. I think a 27 year marriage that you describe as happy is well worth the effort.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Sep 2007

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). I want my wife to control me.. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/09/29/i-want-my-wife-to-control-me/

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