Am I crazy?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

We have been married for 13 years and I have never thought he was cheating or even having an emotional affair but, in the last yr I have had this terrible feeling maybe one or the other is happening!

About a yr ago he started talking about this woman from work all the time and was always so happy in doing so and at first I thought nothing of it but then I began getting a feeling about it a knot in my stomach then at work they hired a new woman and soon she became included in this and she started calling his work phone a lot and having long talks. One day he was off work and we were outside his phone rang but, he did not answer it he stated it was her and went on . In about 30 min or so I went inside and when I came out he was laughing and talking on the phone. I opened the car door because we were getting ready to leave and sat in the car for 30 mins or so he carried on his talking always watching for me to come out he then hung up and stated walking towards the building. I honked the horn and he almost died with the look on his face and he gave me no answer.

Soon there was a Christmas party for workers. I went and everyone was nice and talked to me except her; she didn’t even speak but yet made her way over to my husband and talked. Next I asked him about her because he knows I’m uncomfortable about her. He says it’s nothing, I’m jealous because I’ve gained weight while I was sick and everything is OK.

About 1 month later he states he has to fly out of town for a week. He has never flown anywhere in the 12 years he’d work for this co. He and his manager will be going. About 2 weeks before going he calls me from his office and ask today I found out my manager is not going but, instead she is and I wanted to know how you feel about this even though we’ve been talking about her for 4 months and how I dislike the way she conducts business. He asked me how I still feel about him going. They would have separate rooms but fly and rent a car together. I said you do what you need to do.

He comes home that evening and says he wasn’t going. I drill him and ask questions and he finally states he’d known about a month she was the one going with him but, felt I would be upset about it and therefore did not tell me until now. I later find out he told his boss I had to have testing at the hospital that week and he couldn’t go. I had testing the next week.

Now after all this our child is sick and during this time he leaves work to be with us at appointments but, on the drives to the appointments he calls work to let them know but, on the way back in different cars he calls to let them about the appointment and talks to her all the way to home. When confronted about it 2 days later he did not call her so I opened his phone and showed him he didn’t remember. After this I have checked his phone no calls and he never says a word about work. He has since flown to a meeting alone I hope and I have gone with him to a 2 day conference where we stayed overnight. But, for some reason I can’t shake this. Am I crazy or what?

A: No. You’re not crazy. You can’t shake this because your trust in your husband has been undermined. You two are caught up in a vicious cycle. He acts secretive. You get scared and confront him. He goes deeper underground which only makes you more suspicious. At this point, neither one of you can be your best selves.

I don’t know if he is having a sexual affair but long phone calls, unusual trips, and lying to people are not the ways to reassure you. It’s time you two had a very serious heart to heart talk about what you both want from your relationship and what you are both willing to do to save it. I suggest you take a look at an article I wrote for PsychCentral awhile ago called “Those Cheating Hearts.” It might give you some direction.

If you find you can’t talk openly and honestly with each other, it’s time to find a counselor to help you. Unless you two find a way to trust each other again, your relationship will fall apart.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Sep 2007

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). Am I crazy?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/09/24/am-i-crazy-2/