My bf’s mom hates me!

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Every since my boyfriend and I started dating, his mother has never made herself approachable. He and I live together and I am almost 4 months pregnant. He and I are both ecstatic and so is my family. Problem is his mother has made it very clear she does not like me (she told me) and that she is not happy about this. I had a miscarriage 6 months ago when I was 3 months along. When she found out I was pregnant with that child she asked me why I didn’t get an abortion. When I miscarried she acted like nothing happened and was happy. She then told me how her son would not be having children for a long time. When she found out we were pregnant again she told me she didn’t like me. She was rude and disrespectful.

My boyfriend is blind to all of this. His entire family seems to give me the cold shoulder now. We have been together for almost 2 years and I feel like I know them no more than the day I was introduced to them. I’ve made plenty of effort on my own and I am about to give up. I don’t understand why they can’t accept me and I think it all boils down to his mother. I’ll be 23 and he will be 26 when the baby is born. I hate putting him through this, I could never in my life imagine what it would be like to be in-between the two people that mean the world to you. I’ve tried talking to him and it has gotten me nowhere. I’m stuck in this standstill position and I feel like I have nowhere to turn. My family would never treat him like this, so he cannot see where I am coming from.

Any advice would be great!

A: I’m so sorry for the loss of your first baby. It must have been very hard to deal with your own grief and with your bf’s mother’s omments. You are very mature to continue to work at making a relationship with her in spite of it all. Congratulations on this pregnancy. I hope this baby brings you joy.

Meanwhile, it sounds to me like your future mother-in-law hasn’t accepted that her son is an adult. Instead of taking pride and pleasure in his finding someone who loves him and making a family, she would like to keep him stuck as her little boy. How sad for her that she can’t participate in the joy of a coming grandchild. How hard for your bf that he’s caught between you.

The most loving thing you can do for him is to drop your end of the argument. Yes, you are in an argument. All the work you are doing to try to get him to see your point of view and to change his mother’s opinion of you is your part of the fight. Instead, let him know that as much as you would like his mother’s friendship and his family’s support, you can’t make them do something they don’t want to do.

Don’t ever speak badly about his mother or his family to him. You don’t need to. The contrast with how your family behaves is obvious. Whenever his mom is around, be polite. You don’t need to take in her negativity. There is no need to compete.You’re the one your bf comes home to every night. You’re the one he is making a new family with. If you always welcome his family members when you see them, you can hope they will one day feel kind of silly for keeping up the distance. If you are always courteous and open to having a relationship with your bf’s mom, she might eventually come around. If not, it’s definitely her loss.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Sep 2007

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). My bf’s mom hates me!. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 30, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/09/10/my-bfs-mom-hates-me/