My live in boyfriend of 10 months just told me he never wants anything to do with my childre. I have three children, ages 9, 11, 16. My boyfriend has two children, ages 5,8. My boyfriend, myself and my children all reside in the same household. Last night he tells me he wants nothing to do with my children. He said he is not their father and should not be required to even speak to them. How Cold. The kids are on summer vaca and have been for three weeks. I dont understand what happened or why he would want to be so hateful to them. This morning he said he was going to act like they dont exist when they come home. Help me understand please!

A: I can’t help you understand because I don’t understand either. Surely he knew when you moved in together that you expected that the two of you would raise all five of the children. My only guess is that he wants out of the relationship and maybe has some idea that he would hurt you too much if he said so. Instead, he is setting up a situation where you will have to leave him! Somewhere deep inside (or maybe not so deep inside) he knows that you can’t accept these terms. It would be devastating to your children’s self-esteem and general well-being. Your kids can’t live in a situation where they are constantly rejected. His kids will take their cue from their father and will either treat your kids badly or will feel guilty for going against their dad if they don’t. You can’t be in the position of having to chose between your boyfriend and your kids or between his kids and yours whenever everyone is home. It’s an impossible situation. If you think maybe he hasn’t thought this through and that he really does love you, get to couples counseling – fast – to work this through. Otherwise, I’m afraid you need to figure out how to make a home for your own kids without him.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Jun 2007

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). My live-in boyfriend wants nothing to do with my children.. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/06/19/my-live-in-boyfriend-wants-nothing-to-do-with-my-children/