I am a 46 year old woman, divorced after 18 years of a monogamous marriage and now single for 4 years. My significant other is 57 and has been married 3 times. With all three of his previous wives he has been involved in a swinging lifestyle. His fantasy is to watch me have sex with several men of different ethnic backgrounds. I do not have a problem with “fantasizing” during sex, but I feel that ultimately he would like to me be as sexually free as his other relationships. He states that he is “OK” if I don’t want to make our sex play real and that he is content to stay in a monogamous relationship and that he won’t force me into something that I don’t want.
I do love the man and our relationship, outside the bedroom, is very caring, nurturing, and loving, however, the multiple marriages and desire to partake in a swinging lifestyle, again, leave me uneasy. We have had several discussions and discussed his feelings of way he enjoyed, etc., but I don’t know if he is being truthful with himself when he states he is “OK” with not entering his former lifestyle.
What is the psychology of men that like to “share” and watch their “woman” with other men? He is an intelligent, attractive, and well endowed man, so I don’t feel that it is a self-worth issue. Am I being to uptight by not embracing the “permission” to have men outside the relationship?
Bottom line is that I love sex, but only with the man I love. Is our relationship doomed?
A: Some people never learn. As smart as your b0yfriend may be, he has already lost three marriages and is pushing you to do something you aren’t comfortable with. He hasn’t yet figured out that fantasy is just that — a flight of imagination that usually can’t exist in the real world. I’d say the chances of this relationship lasting is pretty slim. You are not being uptight by being true to yourself. He is being unreasonable to expect you to change your feelings to suit his fantasy life.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 May 2007
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). He wants his fantasy to be reality.. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 27, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/05/27/he-wants-his-fantasy-to-be-reality/