A man who is in an exclusive monogamous heterosexual relationship told his woman he has met a woman who he feels naturally close to as if he already knows her and is sexually attracted to her. He begins a friendship with her and 18 months later he talks to her everyday and talks to her every night until his phone dies, kisses her when they do see each other, gives her things when she needs them such as money or advil, comes over her house about every two weeks just to talk, tells her to wait for his relationship to naturally unfold because he doesn’t want to lose her, and tells her she brings joy in his life, she’s very important to him and she means a lot to him and he cares for her very deeply, doesn’t get jealous because she meets other men, wants her to be happy whether it’s with or without him, and loves her for the person she is, doesn’t that seem like he’s in love and not having love?
He tells me that he can’t entertain the thought of being in love with me because he’s in a relationship and doesn’t want to give me any false hope of him leaving his woman. But I feel like he is in love with me when I look into his eyes. I could just be wishful thinking, but that’s why I want a second opinion.
A: Let’s say you do win this man over and he leaves his partner. What have you got? You’re now in a relationship with a guy who encouraged an outside relationship to develop for 18 months when he was supposedly in a committed, exclusive relationship. He says all the right hings about not wanting to give you false hope but he does things like talk until his phone dies? Right. That kind of behavior doesn’t jive with exclusivity with someone else. He’s betraying his partner and leading you on. Both women deserve better. Make yourself available for someone who doesn’t play such games and who can love you and you alone.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 May 2007
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). Is he in love with me?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 7, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/05/06/is-he-in-love-with-me/