Why do I keep breaking up with good men?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was diagnosed about 4 years ago and I have noticed a consistent pattern in my relationships and I was wondering if this is characteristic of this disease…. I will date a man and in the begining I will almost woo him and shower him with gifts and build his esteem up. I always think that I am in love with the person but I think it is that I am in love with the energy that I am giving off or the exhiliaration that I get from finding the perfect gift and making the person feel special. It is almost as if I get my creativity and energy from these new relationships. Once I realize that I have made him fall in love with me then the burning desire to please that person or even be with him has faded. It is never intentional but this is probablly the 5th relationship that I have had like this and it is to the point now that I feel guilt because my heart is truly not in it and I am going to have to break another heart. At this point all creativity has subsided and I just wanna be alone. I hate this please let me know if this is my disease or if I am just a cold hearted person.

A: You didn’t mention what disease you were diagnosed with. The only clue I have is the big swing from idealizing a man to not caring. This is sometimes a quality of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). If that is the case, my best suggestion is that you seek out a therapist who is trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a special form of treatment for BPD. You aren’t doomed to never have a loving relationship. You can learn skills to manage yourself so that you can let love stay.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Apr 2007

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). Why do I keep breaking up with good men?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 2, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/04/21/why-do-i-keep-breaking-up-with-good-men/