My wife gets mad and won’t talk to me.

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for just over five months now but we dated for more than three years before the marriage. The problem i am having (which was also around before we got married)is that my wife continuously tell gets mad at me for reasons ( in her perspective) has to do with my not being caring enough , not understanding her, not being willing to listen to her. She is ready to be upset anytime so much that I basically will not move another inch without thinking twice ’cause i find it very hard to predict what she expects. To add to the situation , when ever she is mad she is not willing to tell me what is bothering her( claims that if i really cared i would know on my own) and would not talk to me ( even if i try) for more than a week. Sometimes i decide to say i am sorry even when i know it is not my fault but she has this principle that it is not appropriate to say i am sorry just to calm down the situation.
You may be asking , why i got married if this issues was there before we got married . Well i do love her very much and she is very special to me and back then i told myself that i could manage to support her in improving her tendency to be extremely pessimistic prespective to things.

just to provide you with more info ( i suspect that her childhood rape by her uncle and an attempted rape by her employer might have a role in the problem). As she has told me she hated men for a very long time and was totally not interested and unable to have sex until about six years back due to some flash backs she gets when having sex. I have noticed a number of incidences with me as well which we have talked about and she knows that we will work through it together.

I hope what is am trying to say is clear .

A: You must care deeply about your wife to keep trying. I have a guess that this has something to do with control. Having been attacked twice by people who were supposed to be trustworthy, your wife may feel that the only way she is safe is by being in control of the situation when she is with a man. She did agree to marry you despite her fears which speaks positively about her feelings for you. But sometimes her anxieties get bigger than her love and trust for you.

It might be helpful if you let her know that you understand that what happened to her was traumatic and if you told her you want to help her get through it. It would be a shame indeed if the actions of two very bad men deprived you both of a loving and intimate relationship with each other. In a way, that would be letting the bad experiences win. I hope you can both be angry, together, at the situation instead of being angry at each other. It would be a very good idea for the two of you to go to couples counseling to get some help directing the anger and the need for control out of our marriage and where it belongs.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 18 Apr 2007

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). My wife gets mad and won’t talk to me.. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/04/18/my-wife-gets-mad-and-wont-talk-to-me/