Q. We have been best friends. This is a description of our friendship. I have borrowed her money and she has recipricated nI have a friend that i dated for 5 years and for the last 3 have umerous times, an example is when she bought her house i helped with the down payment and she help me with a down payment for a car. Everytime she needs anything no matter the time of day I’m there for her. Examples of this are when she made the decision to ask her 20 year brother to leave her home last week she wanted me there for support, another example was in January her heart was racing and she couldn’t sleep and had tingling sensations in her arms, she asked me to come over and I slept in a recliner for a few hours until her brother came home and then i let myself out. With both our jobs we pretty much can talk on the phone at any time and do at least 4 plus times a day. Usually it’s just daily chit chat. We have never discussed dating other people and don’t exactly remember when we ended our physical realtionship. She is a soon to be 30 year virgin. Last Sunday I tried to call her many times and she didn’t answer or at least call back within a few hours. Totally out of character for her. She has just had her doctor put her back on zoloft. She has had a hard life with her dad passing away at 12 and then her mother at 19. I thought something had heppened to her so I went to her home and found both her cars in the drive way and that concrned me, because of our history. So I waited 30 minutes or so and she pulled up with another gentleman and then drove away. I became seroiusly angry and confused. We have always told eachother evrything and she had lied to me about the date, I had asked earlier about if she was seeing anyone because of little signs that kept showing themselves and she said we are just friends but her actions seemed to say otherwise. She say’s I’m scaring her and I’m not normal. She won’t return my calls and i had to go by and talk through her window to try to find out what was going on. She has said several different things. Some are we are no longer friends right now and she can’t deal with me right now. She has started hanging out with her friends that she kept her distance from for several years and now goes out almost every weekend. I realized 6 months ago that I still loved her and haven’t told her until now. She says that She no longer loves me and hasn’t for years. When pushed on this issue she states that she can’t predict the future when asked if this really is the case. When I ask if she sees herself at least being plutonic friends with me she says not with the way I’m acting and I’m pushing it. When asked about the new friend she says they just met and will not say anymore about it. Like i said before we always talked about things and the opposite sex issue never arose. In one weeks time I’ve been replaced as her go to person for everything.She say’s I need help and I tell her that I have broken heart that’s all. Do I need help and what has happened? Her birthday is in a few weeks and asked since we have spent her last 8 together, would I be able to see her at least around it and she said no. Mind you I’m the only one that has remembered at least the last 5 birtday’s and I’m confused and hurt that she has shut me out so quickly and completely because of that one Sunday’s night incident. I know she was embarassed that her date was involved. Is this the reason or has she feelings for this person and I’m no longer needed as her friend. Should I at least acknowledge her birtday or should I just not say anything. I know with her group of friends they are planning something for her. I’m thinking I shouldn’t probally worry about it.I have felt really bad this last week and have reached out to family to let them know the situation. They say it seems like i was holding out hope and she was gone already. It dosen’t seem that way to me with what we’ve done for eachother. Do I really love her? Or am i Just jealous and hurt that she is seeing somebody else. I tend to think if she just didn’t want to see me and she was at home alone not out on dates I might not be so anxious that i think I’m loosing her. What’s wrong with me? I’m a very happy go lucky person and don’t get down very often,what is going on? Another thing that really bothers me and I don’t know if it justified is that she wanted to wait till she was married, which I almost asked her and even bought a ring, to have sex with somebody. Now I think with being 30 in a few weeks that to get a boyfriend that will stick around she might give in on this. I know if this happens I could never take her back although this from what she is saying will never happen to us. Is this any of my concern? Should I hold out hope of friendship again and then hope by proving that I think I’m her one true friend maybe things might blossom again. I don’t think things would be normal if she had a boyfriend in her life and wouldn’t need me anyway. If this eventually is going to happen should i just go away now. Why can’t I stop thinking if she has been touched by somebody else that we couldn’t even be friends. You see she say’s it’s none of my concern is she right and I’ve got this all wrong? Should I try to start dating, it dosen’t seem like I will be able to forget her anytime soon. Do I need help or am I just heart broken and hurt. She says I need to get over it and move on and get help. I’ve never had any mental illness and have had no signs of major depression. I get bummed out once in awhile but bounce back in a day or so. Please can you help me?
A. Your friend and ex-girlfriend has told you outright and in her behavior that she is no longer interested in you as a friend or romantically. There is nothing that you can do to change this. I would not say from your letter that you are mentally ill but I would ask you to think about these questions: What is it in your life, in your history, that has led you to be okay with this type of relationship? Why are you, either as a friend or as a potential boyfriend, willing to accept the fact that this girl is not making you a priority in her life and are still willing to stick around? It is your job to find out the answers to these questions so that you can move on and find someone who wants and deserves your time, love, care, energy and concern. It is my opinion, albeit based on very little information, that you are wasting your time on someone who is no longer interested in you. This relationship, for you, is not healthy and wanting to be involved with someone, either as a friend or romantically, who has not made you a priority in their life is unhealthy. I would advise you to think about the questions that were asked above and consider ending this relationship. It is not healthy for you to have a relationship of any kind with someone who clearly is not interested in having a relationship with you. If you need help in ending this relationship, which only you have the power to do, then I would suggest meeting with a counselor to help you through this process. Meeting with a counselor does not mean that you are mentally ill. It just means that you are seeking emotional support and guidance to come to grips with this unhealthy relationship that you have been a part of for almost a decade. You deserve someone better who treats you with respect and dignity. I hope this helps.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 2 Apr 2007
Randle, K. (2007). Should I end this relationship with a friend and an ex?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 8, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/04/02/should-i-end-this-relationship-with-a-friend-and-an-ex/