My 10 year old daughter tells me all the time she hates me with no remorse. From the time she is up in the morning till the time she is in bed at night she is in a bad mood. If I try to talk to her she will talk back, roll her eyes, or even try to discipline me. Also she is very jealous of me and my husband. She gets really scary mad when we kiss,hug or old hands she will come between us and tells me “Don’t touch my daddy”. The other day he kissed me and she told him because he kissed me she will kiss a boy at school…. How can I approch this ??? I am very worried.
A: Although it is not unusual for some little girls to go through a stage where they compete with their mother for their father’s affection, this has gone way out of control. What you didn’t tell me in your letter is how your husband is reacting to this behavior. Somehow she has gotten the idea that he doesn’t have enough love for both of you and that she has to compete for it.
You and your husband need to tackle this together. If you haven’t done so already, have a talk with your daughter during a calm moment about what is troubling her so. She may or may not be able to give you an answer but sometimes getting to the bottom of something is as simple as asking.
Meanwhile, it’s very important that both of you let her know that there is a difference between parents’ love for each other and their love for their little girl. Emphasize that you both do love her very much but that she can’t disrespect either of you. When parents are on the same page about what is expected and how to manage problem behavior in a consistent and loving way, things usually settle down.
If the behavior persists, it could be a signal that something more serious is going on and that you need to seek some professional help. Certainly you want to do everything you can to take care of the issues now so that you have a strong and positive relationship as she enters her teens.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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