I met my boyfriend almost 4yrs ago. He had just left his wife for cheating on him for the 3rd time and this time getting pregnant! Everything was going fine between us for about a year. Til things started going downhill! He lived with his stepdad and his stepdads wife. His stepdads wife’s daughter from out of town had come to visit and while she was there her and my boyfriend starting having sexual relationships. I had now known this was going on but had bad feelings about it because of the way he would act towards me everytime she would come to visit. He would tell everybody that she was his sister and that is it…come to find out that wasn’t it…she is married with 3 grown children and would come to visit when her husband was out to sea with the Navy and would leave her kids at home just to come see my boyfriend, while telling alot of people she was coming to visit her sick mother, which wasnt true!!! This went on for about 2 yrs. He confessed to me after about a yr of cheating on me but I still took him back everytime she wasnt around. Then it came to the point where she knew about me and finally called me to talk about the situation. At first she acted all concerned and caring but come to find out down the road all she wanted to do was stab me in the back and keep seeing him while still being married. Last year he and I found out we are having a baby…and he said he wanted to be with me but then went to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with her and her kids because her husband as usual was out to sea! I guess while there my boyfriend found out that he is not the only one she has been seeing behind her husbands back and come home from that trip in a rage!!! at the time we really were not boyfriend/girlfriend. But then on Christmas day he came to my house to tell me that he is totally through with her and wants to be with me and the baby as a family. I told him that is fine but it will take me a long time to trust him and believe him that he is totally through with her!!! Things have been going really good between us since we are back together and he even moved in with me! But there are times when he acts like he did when he was cheating…and I don’t know how to take those actions. I want so badly to ask him if he was sincere with his words about being through with her, but deep down I am afraid he will lie to me and say yes while in the meantime be contacting her behind my back. I really want to resolve this with him but just not sure how to bring it up without getting into an argument! We are expecting our baby in 3 months and I have told him over and over again that she will be nothing to this baby and will have nothing to do with the baby!!! He agreed with me but how do I know secretly he wont send her pictures of the baby or even contact her to tell her about the baby. And this girl has called me and told me, before my boyfriend and I got back together, that she will have rights to see this baby and I will not be able to stop her from doing so!!! And that she will buy things for this baby whether I like it or not!!! What do I do with this situation? How should I bring this up to him in hopes not to start an argument? And how will I know if he is telling me the truth and being honest with me about being through with her totally? Any help will be greatly appreciated!!!
A: I”m very worried that you can’t see things clearly because you are pregnant and scared. Your boyfriend only declared he was loyal to you after he found out his other girlfriend was cheating on him! The only person in this situation who is faithful and constant is you. Unfortunately, you can’t argue your boyfriend into being an honorable man and you can’t control what the other woman will try to do. She has no rights to your baby at all. Her access to the child is dependent on the baby’s father. If you don’t trust him to honor your feelings about this, I don’t know how you are going to make a family with him. It’s time to let go of the fight with these two cheaters and instead to focus on making a safe and loving home for your little one. I hope you have family and friends you can count on and who can share your joy in your baby.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Mar 2007
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). How do I make my cheating boyfriend into a loving father?. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 29, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/03/21/how-do-i-make-my-cheating-boyfriend-into-a-loving-father/