Q: I was pampered and brought up in my teens, but fell in love, and married in my 18th yr. I have 2 smart children and a loving husband. When I get angry, I am unable to control my anger, I talk continuously and hurt my husband’s feelings and abuse him a lot. The argument continues until my husband apologizes even if he didn’t do any mistakes. I still think him as my lover and I am obsessed with him. When I am calm, I am the best wife and mother. I get irritated if he ignores me or keeps a rude face. I get provoked very easily. When he ignores me I feel I should end my life or hurt myself for him to feel guilty. One year ago he had a small affair with a girl but I had found him guilty and since it had not gone to a serious relationship, he came out of it and is loyal to me. Now he resides at Bangalore and me at Chennai. I feel insecure and upset when he is away. Though I am convinced that he won’t cheat on me, I am unable to forget the bitter past. He comes regularly during weekends, still I fight with him. I love him more than my kids and parents. I feel sorry for hurting him so much. Everybody says I am nagging him and I am making his life miserable. I can’t live without him, I want to be happy and make him happy. I am unable to overcome my temper and forget the past. When I am angry I broke ganpathy idol which he had gifted me after marriage. I feel depressed and disappointed when he argues or abuses me. I feel he hates me because of my behavior. Now he has started verbally abusing me when I nag him and doesn’t believe me even if speak nicely to him. There is no peace in our family. The children are fed up seeing all this. I get very upset if he doesn’t come during weekends. I cry thinking of him and I always sleep with his clothes and photos when he is away. I have got a very bad name from my in-laws side that I am ruining his life. I have also verbally hurt them as they had interfered in all our matters. Now they all have abandoned me and they prefer my husband to stay away from me. My well wishers try to help me when we quarrel but it can’t last long. I understand that I am into depression some times. But as I am alone with my kids, what if I become bedridden when I take medications for that. Because when I am normal, I do all the work for the family. Please help me to overcome this issue. Help me lead a peaceful life. Please suggest to me where I am wrong . Waiting for an early reply.
A: I strongly suggest you get help for yourself first, then see if the marriage can be saved. I would find a good therapist and have a thorough evaluation both for counseling and medication. You are in more danger of becoming “bedridden” or too unhealthy to function by not getting help than you are by taking medications. Some medications do make you groggy until you adjust to them but most of the side effects are minimal and tolerable with the newer medications. You have to learn how to handle your anger in healthy ways and communicate without being abusive. I can understand why you don’t trust him if he cheated on you but badgering him for the rest of his life will not fix the situation. Trust takes time to be rebuilt and it takes two people who love each other enough to do the work together. It sounds like the two of you are in a vicious cycle of anger and hurt and are striking out at each other rather than reaching toward. Sometimes relationships have been damaged too much to repair and you are better off calling it quits and putting your energy into healing and creating a new life. You need to be honest with yourself and listen to your friends and family and do the right thing. The “right thing” thing is usually never the easy thing. I wish you both luck.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Mar 2007
Counts, H. (2007). I can’t control my anger toward my husband and don’t know what to do.. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 1, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/03/07/i-cant-contro-my-anger-toward-my-husband-and-dont-know-what-to-do/