Q: I am in the early stages of planning my wedding, to my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. A few days ago I found out that he slept with a good friend of mine two years ago. He says it only happened once, and he was pretty drunk. Should I forgive him and continue to plan my wedding to him? By the way, we do have a one year old daughter together. I feel betrayed, and I have no resepct for either of them at this point, and I will never speak to that friend again. She is dead to me. What should I do?
A: This affair happened two years ago, a year before the birth of your baby. That would argue for forgiveness. But what troubles me is that your boyfriend made the excuse he was drunk and tried to minimize his behavior. It could be that he is embarrassed and doesn’t want to talk about it. It could be that he understands he put his relationship with you at serious risk and the idea of talking about it makes him really upset. But it could also be that he doesn’t understand that it’s the betrayal of trust, even more than the affair, that is making you think twice about going through with a wedding.
As difficult as it is, you two really need to talk some more. You wouldn’t be writing to me if you felt settled in your own mind. Working this through will benefit all of you. You don’t want to live life scared that your husband might betray you again. He doesn’t want to live life with a wife who is always suspicious and distrustful. Your little baby deserves to have parents who love and trust each other and who can make a safe and secure family. I very much hope you can both get past this and make it work.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jan 2007
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2007). Should I call off the wedding?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 2, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/01/30/should-i-call-off-the-wedding/