Q: Having gone through a two year telephone relationship with a wonderful girl with three children, while waiting for her to obtain a divorce, we’re now finally free to see each other and really start dating each other. what’s the best way to introduce myself, and our relationship, to her children?
A: The first thing you need to do is slow down. You’ve had two wonderful years on the telephone. Now you and your girlfriend can see if the relationship in person is as good as you had hoped. There are many, many dimensions of a relationship, like the nuances of body language. that can’t be developed by phone. It’s certainly new territory. I suggest you see each other for a few months to make sure that you are as comfortable with each other up close and personal as you have been through a primarily verbal exchange.
You told me you are in your fifties but didn’t tell me the age of your girlfriend or her children. If she is an age-mate and her children are grown, their mother can tell them as one adult to another that she has begun dating again. She and her kids can negotiate when and how they want to meet you. But if she is a much younger woman with children still at home, it’s usually a good idea to first join the family in activities on neutral territory. Arrange to meet at a game, a park, the ice rink, the beach — whatever the kids enjoy. It’s important for the first few meetings to be low-key. As the kids get comfortable with you, you can be more openly affectionate with their mom and eventually be invited to join the family for dinner at home. I generally caution against spending the night for some time and not until the adults have decided that the relationship is permanent. It’s very hard on children to open their hearts to a series of people who their parent then decides isn’t the right one.
You’re a patient man. You’ve waited two years for your lady friend. I think you can go slow for a few months now if it means that things are more likely to work out favorably for both the adults and the children.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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