Q: Before I met my husband, I was engaged to another man, my first love. Our breakup was devastating to me. When he got married less than a year later, I was still hopelessly in love with him. I got married 4 years later. My husband is a great man, but I never forgot my first love and thought of him often. We still lived in the same town, so I saw him occasionally around town and at certain social functions. In fact, our sons are good friends! After I had been married for 13 years, this other man and I began to rekindle a “friendship.” After about 3 months of talking regularly, we found ourselves alone together, and we made love. We had no plan for this to happen and had never even discussed the possibility of it. If anyone had asked me then if I would have considered it, I would have said absolutely NOT! I am so incredibly disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen! It happened only one time, after which we both immediately realized what a horrible mistake it was! We knew the consequences of our actions were to great to risk, not only for us, but also our families. My husband knows nothing of this incident. The other man and I stopped talking to each other again, and now our only contact is the occasional crossing of paths at a local store or gas station. I cannot express to you the extreme guilt I feel! Sometimes the weight of it is so heavy I can hardly bear it! It feels like it’s crushing me! It has been 12 YEARS since this incident. It seems I should be handling it better by now. And sometimes I do handle it fairly well, but not for long periods of time. At times, just a passing thought will remind me of it again and it becomes the same horrible burden to me all over again. I have 2 questions: 1) Is there any value in telling my husband now? 2) Can you recommend methods of getting over the extreme guilt and shame I feel over this? Any insight you can provide would be SO greatly appreciated!
A: No. You should not tell your husband. This event is long over and nothing good will come of sharing it now. Although you will “unburden” yourself, you will only be shifting the burden to your husband and disrupting two families. It may be twelve years past for you but for everyone else it would be a brand new event, with all the power and pain of the original betrayal. You need to work this out on your own.
Hundreds of years ago, people would do things like walk on their knees over rocky roads for miles to atone for what they believed was a sin. They felt that it took great pain and sacrifice to balance out their sinfulness. Once they got to their destination, they could feel absolved, let go of the pain, and give themselves a fresh start.
It seems to me that you have been emotionally “walking on your knees” for 12 years! Guilt and shame have been the way you have suffered for the fact that you never loved your husband as much as you loved your old flame and that you actually put your families at risk in a moment of bad judgement and passion. My guess is that the fact that you are asking for help at this point is an indication that somewhere deep inside you know you’ve walked enough miles and suffered enough. You’re fnally at your destination but you don’t know how to give yourself absolution.
In those old times, people turned to their priests. If you are a person of faith, perhaps a visit to your clergy person to talk about self-forgiveness could help. If you don’t practice a religion, perhaps you could make a personal ritual to help you let go of the pain. You’ve done your best to make a good marriage and to keep your family intact. That says a lot for your character. It’s enough. Please find a way to go forward and enjoy the rest of your life with the family you worked so hard to keep intact.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
What's Related
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- I feel extreme guilt
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