Q: I have three small children 31/2 yrs., 2 1/2 yrs., and 7 months the two oldest are boys and the youngest is a girl. Now my problem is with my middle son. I have been looking up information on the internet about middle child syndrome and most of it does not pertain to him. So let me start to explain what I am dealing with here. He is very attached to me, he follows me everywhere I don’t have a moment’s peace. He never lets me out of his sight. If he doesn’t get his way, he screams. I mean it when I say he screams, for hours if he has to until he gets his way or until he falls asleep I have tried everything time out, talking to him asking what he wants, giving him choices. You see he doesn’t really talk good yet because every time he wants something his older brother will tell me. I asked him to stop doing that because the way I see it is he feels that he doesn’t have to talk because his brother will tell me. Don’t get me wrong he does say some things but, like what he should be saying at his age. The pediatrician says he fine and that he will talk when he is ready that at least he is saying words. I just feel that there should be more that I can do because I know that he is jealous of his younger sister and wants to still be the baby, but I just don’t know how to get him to stop throwing these tantrums and start talking.
A: You certainly have your hands full with three children under the age of four. All three of them have intense needs for your attention, care, and love. Probably all three also have different temperaments that make it even more complicated to attend to each as an individual. Some kids just plain need more than others. On top of that, you have a son who has you at your wits’ ends. You must be exhausted. It must be discouraging to be doing all you can and still get no results. I hope I can provide a little help.
I’m glad you’ve already ruled out “middle child syndrome”. There really isn’t such a thing and these popular labels tend to overlook the individuality of both parent and child. If you were in my office, there are four possibilities I would want to explore with you:
- Is your second born a particularly sensitive child who has stronger needs for attachment than his older sib?
- Are you a Mom who could manage two children well but who got stretched too far with number three?
- A combination of an overly sensitive child and an overwhelmed mom
Or – Is there is an undiagnosed problem that needs to be addressed?
If the issue is your son’s temperament: The very important second attachment cycle that happens between ages 1 and 2 got cut short by the arrival of his sister. This isn’t your fault or the baby’s fault. Babies come when they come and another, less sensitive child, would have been able to cope. Your oldest child managed. But your son is who he is and he just plain isn’t coping. We would need to figure out how to give him more reassurance and safety. (See sites on “attachment disorder” to get some guidance on how to help him.)
If the issue is that you are someone who could divide her time and attention with two but just plain can’t with three, we would need to take a look at whether you could manage your day a little differently or whether you need more help than you’ve been getting. You didn’t mention your husband. I wonder if he could be more helpful.
If the issue is a combination of the two: All of the above
If none of this makes sense, then I would suggest that you consider an evaluation by a child psychiatrist – just to make sure that his behavior and delay in speech aren’t signals that something more serious is going on. A pediatrician can’t be expected to know everything about everything. Maybe a specialist could give you some new insights.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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