Q: My lady and I have been together a year and a half and we live together and have been talking marriage. We both had a friend that we met through a group of our other friends. The lifestyle he lives isn’t what I call orthodox at all. At a party he ended up in the same hotel room with one of our friend’s girls. That definately showed me his character and I stopped talking to him. Come to find out that my girl and him have been texting/talking a lot. I mean a lot. Last month she texted him 1400 messages. Since he broke his screen she just calls him. She will call him on average of 6 times a day and they usually aren’t short chats. I’ve told her 5 times and have had deep conversations with her on how I am uncomfortabe with her friendship with him. She flat out told me she doesn’t care and she won’t stop being friends/talking to him for me. She gets defensive and yells at me telling me that they’re just friends. I have slight doubts. I’m on the verge of kicking her out. Am I over reacting and should not worry about it or am I making the right decision of saying good bye?
A: I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you that the two of you are not ready to be talking about marriage. It’s not just that she has a male friend. It’s not that she likes to call and text him far more than is reasonable. (Doesn’t she have other things to do in a day?) It’s that the two of you aren’t able to work this through to a resolution that feels comfortable to you both. Your girlfriend is acting as if her most important relationship is with this friend. She ends up yelling at you and telling you that she doesn’t care what you think. You end up thinking about kicking her out. This is not the way people who love, respect, and care about each other’s feelings work out a disagreement. I think the fight over this friend is the way the two of you are telling yourselves and each other that you need to put the brakes on this relationship. My guess is that you made the decision to move in together too fast. It might be helpful to take some time out and see if the two of you can learn how to respectfully honor each other’s feelings and make compromises.
I wish you both well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Dec 2006
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2006). Girlfriend texted another guy 1400 times!. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 22, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/12/19/girlfriend-texted-another-guy-1400-times/