Q. My husband is unpredictable, violent & uses highly abusive language very often and even spits on my face. At the same time he enjoys a very good status both professionally & personally. He is highly qualified. His profession is very much responsive in nature towards society. He is a journalist in press media. Unpredictable ?€? My husband, me & four other in-laws family members were taking walk after taking meal at night. My husband slapped me at my shoulder, lovingly. So did I. Again he did the same. (The same I did. He acted the same again.) But this time when I did, he got aggressive & forcefully pressed my neck with his hand & pushed me aside. The whole situation / environment became tense & horrified. Everyone present there thought that my husband was kidding with me. None of us could imagine that he got angry all of sudden. Irresponsible ?€? Since our marriage, he had not taken my responsibility. Once I told him to hold my mobile set, at this he started scolding me & said, ?€?I am not your servant.?€? On the contrary an other incident surprised me. We (me, my husband & two young children) went to lake just 3 or 4 after months after my marriage, where he told me to put off my set of bangles (chura), which was 2-3 inches wide. I was not carrying any bag so he but my bangles (chura) in his own pocket of tight jeans. Also he is fond of liquor. He had started consuming liquor since from his childhood when he was just 11 ?€? 12 years old. He usually enjoys the company of his grandfather (his mother?€?s father) while drinking. Also I would like to acquaint you with the fact that my husband?€?s father died when he was just 12 years old. It was not a natural death. He was killed by terrorists. After his father?€?s death he was putting up with his grandparents from his mother?€?s side. Furthermore, my husband dislikes his mother & younger brother. But loves his grandfather (nana ji) and his uncle?€?s (mama ji) family very much. His first impression is – he is a man with few words, submissive, shy, innocent, responsible, and still different from others because of his thoughts, deep analysis of literature. But the moment one comes closer to him, he sees other side of his personality i.e. he is violent & highly aggressive with abusive words on his tongue. Having strong convincing power, he admits in front of those people, who logically suppress his, that my wife is hardworking, laborious & had loved me a lot. But now I hate her & needs to be separated. Please try to analyze him. Does he possess some psychological problem?

A. It is hard to know why he turns on you the way the he does. I would have to interview him extensively and learn much more information about him to know why he is acting this way towards you. He may not have a psychological problem per say. What I mean by this is that his behavior does not signify any particular mental disorder or mental illness. Rather, his behavior is more indicative of an angry man, one who has no problem behaving aggressively and disrespectfully towards you. This behavior may indicate that he could be violent towards you, maybe resorting to hitting you and truly causing you physical harm. He may benefit from counseling if you could talk him into seeing a professional. I am not sure if this has been discussed between the both of you as of yet. Be aware that if you bring up the idea of counseling, he may deny that he has a problem. He may be shocked or even appalled at the idea of him needing help. If you suggest help and he is opposed to getting counseling then you may need to reevaluate whether you want to stay married to not only someone who is treating you very badly but someone who is unwilling to change his behavior. For your own psychological health, if he is not willing to seek help and his behavior towards you does not change, it may mean that you will have to consider a separation or a divorce. If you are willing to stay with him even though his behavior does not change and he refuses help, then I would strongly recommend that you seek help. Please write again if you have any more questions.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 11 Dec 2006

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2006). My husband is unpredictable, violent & uses highly abusive language very often. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 1, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/12/11/my-husband-is-unpredictable-violent-uses-highly-abusive-language-very-often/