My brother abandoned his children due to legal issues and a drinking problem. He was deported 2 years ago, however, it has been 9 years since he’s seen his two kids. I am very close with his children, my nieces. I also speak with him at random times via email or text message. He has never really asked questions about their wellbeing nor has contributed financially to their life.
My question is, he has recently sent some Xmas cards along with birthday cards for me to give to them. I do not want to give my nieces false hope that he will one day come back into their lives or maintain communication. Should I refrain from giving them the cards??? I know they would like to receive word from him but I also know they will be so upset if he once again vanishes from their lives should he disappear… again. The girls are 10 and 13.
I believe their mother would be okay with it, however, I’m not sure she realizes the affect of their father’s lack of communication or the potential affect it would have on them to receive a letter from him and then have him disappear once again, which could very well happen…
A: Since the girls are so young, I think their mother gets to decide what to do. If she is okay with it, and if the two of you are cordial, I suggest the two of you plan how you will sit down with the girls and explain what they can expect from their Dad. As you point out, how the kids are given these cards matters.
I don’t know why your brother decided to make contact, however oblique, at this point. Perhaps it is the best he can do to acknowledge his daughters and to give them some sense that they at least have a dad. It’s terribly sad that he is missing watching them grow up. But perhaps he knows himself well and figures that the best way for him to show love for the girls is to keep his distance.
For the girls, it’s important that they be helped to understand that although their dad does probably love them, he isn’t able to be the kind of father who can stay in touch or spend time with them. You and their mom can help the girls understand that this is in no way their fault nor can they do anything that will change the situation. Most important, you can remind them that they are special little girls and that there are many other people who do love them and want to know them.
If you and their mom are concerned about whether you can handle this well, it would probably be helpful for you to talk with an experienced family therapist for a session or two to plan what to say and how to say it. It’s also a good idea to anticipate the questions the girls might ask and be prepared with how you will answer.
If the two of you are calm and clear, it is more likely that the children will feel good about the contact instead of being upset by it.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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