Q: From a high school student: My mom is bipolar. This illness has been evident since I was a child when she’d blow up of teeny things, such as a spilled glass of milk, and start screaming and hitting. I am the oldest of four and most of my mother’s rage is taken out on me. She has taken away every single privledge I could possibly have and the result of her ridiculous restrictions has left me with no social life, something important to someone my age. My self harm patterns have gotten me through her illness thus far; I developed anorexia at thirteen, and began cutting at 15. However, I currently am recovered weight wise and only cut now. I can no longer handle her anger and I constantly thinking about suicide. I am an accomplished honors student, and have recently been accepted to University of Michigan. My senior year should be a happy one, but I’m miserable and want to die.
A: Mental illness in a family effects everyone, not just the person with the illness. Your mother has been so caught up in her own pain that she has forgotten that her job as a mother is to protect and nurture her children. It’s very sad. She’s missed out on the joys of being a mom and you’ve been living under seige. Saddest of all, you started treating yourself the way your mother treats you.
I don’t think you really want to die. You are understandably very, very angry. You want to be happy but don’t know how. Sometimes your mom has made it feel like it’s pointless to even try. Suicide might end the immediate pain but it also eliminates all chances for something better to happen. I think it’s time for you to have a healthy rebellion instead. Just because your mother abuses you doesn’t mean that you have to do the same.
You’ve made a good start by getting your weight up and by writing to me. You’ve also given yourself options by making good grades and by getting accepted at a fabulous college. Good for you! You’ve done what you need to do so that you’re not stuck with the life you’ve got.You’ve only got 5 months of high school to go. Going away to college can be the beginning of a new life.
Rebel against your mom’s image of you and create one of your own. Focus on the fact that in a very short time, you won’t have to live at home full time. Start practicing being the kind of healthy happy girl who will attract good friends and be successful. If you keep acting as if you deserve to be respected and happy, it will gradually become reality.
If you find that you so discouraged and worn out that suicide still feels like an option, please, please get some help. It’s okay to lean on a therapist or some other helper while you learn how to treat yourself better. Once you regain some confidence and self-esteem, you’ll be able to count on yourself again. Write me and let me know how you’re doing.
One more very important thing: If your Mom continues to abuse you and your siblings, it is also very important to talk to a trusted adult about it. You say you have been the lightening rod for your mother’s rage. You are about to get away from it which will perhaps solve your immediate problem. But I can’t help but wonder whether your mom will then turn on one of your younger siblings. You should not have had to deal with this. Neither should your sibs. Please do what you can to protect them and tell your school guidance counselor or your doctor so that your family can get some much needed help.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
Not the answer you were looking for?
Get live advice
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Dec 2006
