Q: From a 14 year old: Recently I lied to my mom and told her that I was staying after school just to “walk around”. However, I was staying after with one of my friends to smoke. I ended up getting a smoking ticket from a police officer, and now neither of my parents trust me enough to let me stay after, or stay at home by myself. What can I do to earn back their trust?
A: Trust is a precious and fragile thing. Once broken, it can take time to heal. But, in this case, I can tell that you feel terrible. I can tell that this isn’t your usual way of behaving; that you were experimenting with a little rebellion and regret that it has put a wedge between you and your parents. I bet your mom and dad also know this isn’t the real you.
Everyone makes mistakes. It’s what you do next that shows what you’re made of. After things have settled down a little, I suggest you go to your folks, make a very sincere apology, and ask them what they need you to do to show them that you are trustworthy. Then do your best to do what they ask. Be patient. It will take some time but it’s worth it.
The task of the teen years is to become increasingly independent. To do this well and with the good will and support of your parents, you need their trust. For your parents to gradually let go and give you more and more independence, they need their daughter to be trust-worthy. Work together to take a deep breath and start over.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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