Q: I am currently separated and my ex has started dating. The subject of what kind of relationship not only this man should have with my 5yr, 3yr, and 2month old, but if he became their stepfather came up. I am of the opinion he needs no relationship with my children other than mutual respect. He does not need to ack like a father in any way to them. I live in the immediate area and see my kids often. All the books say this new person should try to win over the kids and have a loving relationship with them. I disagree. One father is enough for my children. I expect this or any other man to take a hands off approach with my children and let me be their father. I am struggling with the fact the man will steal my kids away and my 2mo will call him dad because he is around every day. I have yet to find any books about how the new man should deal with the biological father and his wishes for his childrens upbringing. Why is it all about the new man trying to have a realationship with the kids. He is there for my ex, not my kids. I don’t understand why a stepfather or live in boyfriend can’t have a hands off approach and respect the wishes of the biological father. I know I sound difficult and bullheaded, but is is my firm belief that my kids don’t need another father figure in their lives. Is there a book that explains what the new man shouldn’t do as apposed to how he can steal my kids love?
A: Maybe your worry about your children is calling into question whether this divorce is really necessary. You and your wife loved each other enough to bring three children into the world in the last 5 years, one only a few months ago. Maybe it is hopeless. I don’t of course know all you have done to try to work things out. But maybe the love and concern you have for your children is enough of a motivator for you and your wife to slow down and consider what changes you would each be willing to make so you can raise these children together. If you haven’t tried some counseling, maybe you should. If it doesn’t help, at least you will have done everything you could. Counseling sessions can also be used to work on how to co-parent.
The children in divorced families who do best are those where all the adults are in a respectful and supportive relationship with each other. There is room in children’s hearts for both a dad and a step dad. You are the kids’ dad. Nothing can take away from that reality as long as you regularly spend time with them and show them that you love them. It is likely that there will also be a stepdad in the picture. If they are to grow up healthy and emotionally strong, the children need to have a positive relationship with him as well and he needs to have some authority in his home. The two of you don’t always have to agree. But your children will do best if you can be civil, if you don’t talk about each other with any disrespect, and if you can support each other’s authority in your individual homes.
At some point you will probably have a new woman in your life. There is also room in children’s hearts for a mom and a stepmom. The same principles apply. No one can take the place of their mom as long as she spends time with them and shows them she loves them. Your new partner will be living part of the time with your children. She needs to have a positive relationship with the children and feel that she has some authority in her home.
In an ideal world, all of the adults will be working together to make reasonable schedules, rules, and supports for these little children. Nobody wins, least of all the kids, when their parents continue their fight with each other through competition for the kids’ loyalties. Children love easily and will give all of you a chance to have important spots in their lives. If you can cooperate instead of compete, the kids will have 4 loving adults to teach them, to love them, and to support them.
I wish you well
Dr. Marie
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Nov 2006
