Q: I would like to ask something about my relationship. My girlfriend and I are together for 1 year and 2 months.We both fell in love with each other from the beginning. For 10 months we were apart, living in different countries, 3000 km far.Since 3 months we are together. We had chats through msn, and one time every month, we were meeting each other. My problem is that although we both have strong feelings and we love each other so much and make dreams for the future like family and stay together forever, when we fight it is really bad. We both shouting and talk things that we do not mean. We both want to have right on what we are saying even though sometimes it is wrong. Even it is not 100% wrong, it is hard to accept it. We both are volatile and uptight persons. Many times we have problem to understand each other. Me personally, I feel that she wants to change me, I feel like she does not accept me as I am. Many times after an argue, she mentions that she can not stand me anymore and she wants to seperate with me. About 5 times she hit me on face and kicked me and pushed me. I hit her back slightly. But she can not keep her hands off me. When we argue, fighting comes after. Not always of course. That happened about 5 times as I mentioned above. At the beginning I felt like she is the woman of my life, I felt like i did never before. And she says that I am her first true love.I forgot to mention that she is 29. Before me she had a 5-year relationship with someone 5 years older than her. She told me that seperated because he found a new girlfriend and he stopped caring about her so much.

A: Guten Abend,
I’m as worried as you are about this relationship. Generally the early stages of a relationship are an indicator of how it will always be. You two are well into your twenties. You are not children. You both know that mature people do not resort to physical fighting to resolve disagreements. You both know that there is no place in a loving relationship for verbally and physically hurting the person you love. But you continue to do it.

You both seem more interested in defending yourselves and being right than in learning to compromise and cooperate. Being in a serious relationship always means change. It means working together to figure out which issues and values are so important that you really can’t give on them and which issues and values can either be adjusted or really don’t matter. Of course, that means knowing the difference. You two don’t seem to. Every request for change seems to become a personal challenge instead of an interesting topic to mutually explore.

I think neither one of you is in any shape to make a commitment to anyone. My best suggestion is that you each find a therapist and do some serious personal work. Otherwise, the only person you can be with is someone who will make no demands on you and will always do things your way. That kind of relationship won’t work either because eventually that kind of partner will lose your respect.

You recognize that you are a volatile and “uptight” person. That’s the important first step. I hope you will find the personal strength to do the work you need to do to be the kind of mature, loving adult you want to be.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 12 Nov 2006