Q: I’ve been seeing a man in his early thirties for the past 3 months. We met online and each time we meet, it’s for sex. He separated from his wife only a month or so before we met and is still very much in love with her and upset over the breakup. I, however, am developing feelings for him, which seem to deepen with time. Apart from sex, we talk about our feelings, thoughts, and generally confide in each other about intimate issues, such as his marriage. I know it’s going to take some time for him to get over her (she ended it after less than 5 years of marriage). He’s also made it clear he does not want to be involved in a relationship with anyone at this stage because he is not ready, and he believes it would not be fair to plunge in without being able to give 100%. My question is, so you think we have the potential to develop our friendship and attraction into something deeper, further down the track? Or do you think he only considers me a bedwarmer until he sorts himself out? Thanks for your time.

A: You are risking heart break. This man has been very, very clear with you from the start. He still loves his wife. He’s upset about the break up. He says he isn’t ready for a relationship. He enjoys the sex and the talk but that’s it for now. Perhaps he will change his mind but it’s a big gamble. Usually someone who has been this badly hurt needs time with himself to grieve, to make sense of things for himself, and to recover his self-esteem and optimism before he can make a commitment to someone else. This generally takes a number of years. Can you be patient that long? Can you put your heart on the line, knowing that there’s a good chance you are a transitional relationship rather than the love of his life? Maybe he is special enough to wait and see. But I suggest that you cool things down on your end and stay available for someone who is really available for you.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 12 Nov 2006