Q: Mine has been a inter-religion marriage.There have been incidents with my family and hers which have left a very bad taste.My realtionship has soured with my wife over these issues.Things like ” why did you mum insult me and my folks?”. Abuse and swear words follow and I guess its just normal for me not to hear abuse and disrespect towards my parents.I have asked her many a times to forget the past and live fresh but she is adamant.She tries to get these issues up every now and then and forces me to speak to her folks which i dont like cos of her attitude towards my parents.Words like ” you are not a good husband a good son -in-law ” have hurt me tremendously.
Things get worse when she constantly threatens me of suicide and which throws me into an emotional spin.She would harm herself and throw things around and I most of the time have to apply brute force to stop her from harming herself.She threatens divorce etc. Dont get me wrong she always says she loves me and all that but after seeing all this i feel something is not right.I am feeling emotionally drained and have given up feeling happy ever in my life.
A pshyciatrist friend of mine was shocked to hear all this as no one has picked this behaviour of hers at work.he has a strong opinion that she is suffering from a personality disorder.She is a doctor and that makes it worse for me, she used to be a surgeon and now a pshyciatrist herself.I am scared even to talk to her regarding this as she justifies her actions and puts the blame on me for not being supportive enough and yet again the entire cycle goes on!!
If you ask me do i still want to be with her?? I would say yes cos I strongly feel that she has a problem and i can’t leave her on her own but in doing so I have lost myself. Please do advice !!
A: It’s always distressing to me when I hear of a colleague who isn’t willing to take a hard look at herself. Intellectual integrity requires us to monitor ourselves and pay attention when people give us feedback. Otherwise, how can we justify giving guidance to others? Unfortunately, a person can be smart enough to become a doctor or a psychiatrist but not have much personal insight.
For your marriage to survive, you only have a couple of choices. You can either continue to put up with her behavior or you can try to change it.
If you want to make change, the first person you need to work on is yourself. Your fear of an argument is preventing you from being as assertive as you need to be. Please note that the word is “assertive”, not aggressive. There is no need for angry words. You don’t need to react in kind when she provokes you.
Work on getting yourself into a peaceful state. Then lovingly and calmly let her know that you are greatly concerned about her and that her behavior is threatening your marriage. Just because she blames you does not mean that you have to accept the blame or argue about it. Just calmly tell her that you disagree. If she threatens suicide, quietly point out to her that this is exactly the kind of behavior you mean. People who are emotionally healthy don’t try to blackmail someone who loves them with suicide talk. Then see if she will go with you for some couple counseling to help the two of you learn better ways to deal with your families and each other.
If she won’t consider counseling, keep working on yourself. If you change how you respond to her, she just may start doing things differently. If she doesn’t and if she won’t agree to get help, then I’m afraid you have some hard decisions to make.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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