Q: My husband and I were married in June. Eleven days ago I found out that he slept with his ex wife a “month and a half ago” according to him. His ex-wife is the one who informed me of their affair. Since then my husband and I have talked about what has happened and he also admitted that although they were only together sexually once, they have continued to talk and “flirt” with one another in a sexual nature. He admits to “entertaining” the notion of more sex (i.e. by flirting) and that she has invited him on more than one occassions to do it again. I have agreed to work it out with him but I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t know how I feel about him. He says I’m the love of his life, but he’s always said that so how can i believe him now? Is it true that once a cheater always a cheater? His ex also happens to be the mother of his two children and he and I are both forced into constant contact with her. Will the repeated exposure to her lead him into temptation again? he has said she disgusts him, is this a ploy to distract me from the truth? how could he sleep with someone he’s not attracted to?
A: I’m so, so, sorry that you have been so treated so terribly. You must be devastated. I’m not sure why you want to work things out with him. Within three months of getting married, he cheated on you. To make matters worse, he says that he’s been flirting since. Contact with his ex isn’t the problem. A man who is clear about his choice of a partner wouldn’t be tempted. Either he isn’t psychologically divorced or he thinks he made a mistake in marrying you and believes he is doing you a favor by creating a situation where you leave him. Either way, the situation doesn’t look promising. A good marriage can’t be built on lies and distrust. You are only 19. As hard as this is, maybe you should take some time apart while you figure out what’s best for you to do.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 11 Nov 2006
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2006). Husband cheated with ex-wife. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 2, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/11/11/husband-cheated-with-ex-wife/