Q: I came from my country after the love of my life. I would
give anything for her and I feel it is not the same way around. It really
hurts me that she says she wants to be with me, yet there is always a reason
why she says she might not be able to be with me. I have to move to another
state for a better job and for legal reasons, and her son (age 11) doesnt want to
move out of this little town to a big city. She says she doesnt want to
choose between two people she really loves because either way one of the two
will be hurt and disappointed. I really want her to be with me but I
understand her son is family, and family should come first. But at the same
time, I consider her my family and that’s why I came all the way here and
gave up everything in my life. I don’t know what to do because I want to be
here but I cant stay and if I go, I am afraid she is not coming with me
because of her son.
A:This is really hard. You made a major move for love. Your partner isn’t returning the favor. Her son is still young enough that his friends are more “playmates” than friends. If he were even a year or two older, he would be entering adolescence and moving would be harder. Generally when kids are under 12, their attitude toward a move is greatly influenced by parents. If the parent is excited and enthusiastic and presents moving as a great adventure, then the child usually will see it in much the same way.
I only know your side of the story, of course. But from what you wrote, it does look like your partner is trying to find a way to end the relationship in a way that doesn’t hurt you terribly. By blaming the problem on her son, she avoids telling you that she isn’t committed to you. I’m also guessing that the 8 year difference in your ages is turning out to be more of a problem for your older partner than she thought it would be. It’s time for the two of you to have an open, honest talk about what is really going on. You each deserve that respect.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
Not the answer you were looking for?
Get live advice
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Nov 2006
