I need to help a friend.

By Holly Counts, Psy.D.
October 29, 2006

Q: I have a best friend who is having a very difficult time in her life right now. She has little to no relationship with her parents, and the only attention she seems to get from them is negative attention. About two years ago, she had another hard time, and she began cutting. She never told me this until after she stopped, but she showed me her scars and told me about how her parents got her to see a therapist. She told me confidently that she stopped and was not going to start ever again. About a week ago, I noticed she was wearing sweat bands around her wrists, and I asked her what was up. Finally, she showed me fresh cuts in her skin, and my heart broke. We’ve sat down and talked, and she confessed all her reasons in her life that make her feel like she has no control over anything, except her own body. I have tried helping her by listening, talking, and encouraging her to get involved in activities that will let her release these feelings she has, but so far, she is unconvinced that she will ever stop. I know that her parents will only make the situation worse by not helping her and punishing her for starting again. I am lost and afraid that one day, she will hurt herself more than she ever meant too. Please help me. Thank you.

A: You are a good friend and you have done all the right things, however, it sounds like you have done about all you can as a friend. You are right to be concerned because cutting can escalate to more and more dangerous levels. Your friend needs professional help. It sounds like she did see a therapist at one time so I would strongly suggest to her that she needs to go back. If she did not click well with her first therapist then she can try a different one until she finds one she can trust completely. If this doesn’t happen soon you may want to talk to your friend’s parents or the school counselor. She may get mad at you for going behind her back but hopefully she will understand that you did it because you care. I would also suggest the book Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, and there may be others with more direct suggestions on how to stop this negative coping skill. She could check the library or the local bookstore so she could work on the issue in her own way in addition to getting help. This is a tough situation to be in when you care about someone, but it is not your problem so be careful not to get too involved. Be a good friend, listen, give her strong advise on getting help, but continue to take care of yourself and focus on your own life too. Good luck.