Q: I met an amazing man last July, who had everything to offer me except honesty. He was descended royalty, was the former founder of a lending company, and even cancelled a trip to Europe that he had planned a few days after we met so he could “spend time with me.” I came to find out that none of this was true, and from his childhood to this day I don’t believe a thing that has happened in his life. I feel guilty for not trusting him, but I have very good reasons. The real kicker here, is that I was in Canada on vacation, and went back to New Jersey and maintained a long distance relationship. I paid for every flight once a month, every dinner, every gift, every movie, etc. After draining myself financially and knowing he was a pathological liar, I moved to Canada for him this July. What a mistake. His lies have lessened somewhat, but he still lies to me about things that he doesn’t even have reason to lie about. (i.e told me someone died who never did, in fact the person wasn’t even real) He has lied to me to the point where I can’t even believe what he tells me he had for lunch that day. When he is confronted, he grows furious and storms out…making me question my own sanity. I end up apologizing for doubting him…even with proof that he lied to me! He is kind and gentle and sweet to me, so I accepted his marriage proposal. He does not believe he has a problem, and the other night, for no other reason than being too drunk, he beat me (I defended myself) and he ended up in the hospital and then in jail. He will not talk to me and it seems to be over…but I am willing to seek therapy with him. I have a feeling that such liars will never admit guilt, and he believes that I am wrong, that I hurt him, and he’s dumping me. I gave up EVERYTHING for this man…I can’t stand the thought of packing up and losing everything again to move back to Jersey. What do I do?
A: Good relationships are based on trust and trust is based on honesty. This man is dishonest and manipulative. Now he has even beaten you. If you marry him, you are signing on for much more of the same. Spending energy, time, and money in therapy with him is a waste. He has no desire to change. You would be better served if you spent that energy, time, and money on therapy for yourself. You need to figure out why you would let yourself get so intensely involved with someone who repeatedly lies to you, uses you, and hurts you. I hope you will work on building your self-esteem and find a life partner who is worthy of your love and loyalty.
You wrote that you are 19. I understand why going home might feel hard. But if that’s where there are family and friends who can help you, of course you should go back. Swallow your pride and take comfort from those who love you. At this point, all you have to lose is that pride. Staying with this guy will jeopardize your mental health, your safety, and maybe your life. You have a whole adult life ahead of you. Making mistakes and learning from them is part of growing up. Chalk this up as part of your education, go home, and move on.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Oct 2006
