Q. Right now I want to empty all the bottles of meds down my throat…what stops me? Screwing up my kids life. They love me so, so much. I HATE me so so much. Everyday I cry & cry. I wish I would get in an accident & die. I have been trying SO SO SO hard to fix myself, counseling, listening to self help cd’c, compliant with all meds…but I am going crazy inside. I feel like I am going to explode any minute. My head is so heavy, my shoulders are heavy, everything is dark, I cant smile anymore unless it is fake…I just want to sleep in darkness forever…I cant keep up this facade anymore…I am gonna crash. The hole is getting blacker everyday, poppin all mky pills seems better everyday. I want to go to a hotel so my family wont find me or have to clean up the mess. If only I could prepare my oldest for it…then I would do it, but she is so fragile. Im going crazy…help me. Please dont ignore this email.
A. Ending your life would be absolutely devastating for your children. It would alter the course of their lives is a remarkable way, and not for the better. I think you know this. You might think of yourself as a loser but your children think of you as their hero, the mother that they love and the mother who takes care of them, who looks after them. They need you, they rely on you. You matter to your children. Without you, they would be motherless. I know that you are battling these horrific feelings and it is a true daily struggle but I would strongly encourage you to get some good help. Don’t give up this battle. Just like you do not deserve to live this daily struggle, your children do not deserve to be motherless. Perhaps you are receiving the wrong treatments, the wrong medication, the wrong advice or going to the wrong doctors. These things can be changed. Things can be better for you and you can be helped. Your children need a mother and it is your job to stay around for them. If you are at the point where you see no other choice but popping pills in some hotel room as a way to manage or deal with your life, then you should go straight to the hospital. Do this for your children. If you are feeling this bad, please make the trip to the hospital. If for no other reason, do it for you children.
I have personally never known of a case where an individual’s symptoms could not be eliminated or at the very least greatly, greatly reduced. In all of the more severe cases it took time. The question becomes are you willing to suffer, for the life god gave you, the mother of your children, until you get relief? It’s a simple question. Suicide is a very selfish, ego-maniacal answer and it is always the wrong answer. I wish the very best for you.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 20 Oct 2006
Randle, K. (2006). Severe depression, bipolar, over spender, debtor, food addict, loser. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 14, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/10/20/severe-depression-bipolar-over-spender-debtor-food-addict-loser/
