Q: I was 17 when I had my first daughter. While unplanned, I still felt I could make a good life. Her father was abusive and refused to even let me get a job. I had left my parents already and was on my own. Bad things happened, got worse, and eventually I managed to leave. He fought me in court for a very long time. I won full custody, he had visitation.
At 20 I gave birth to my second daughter. Her father and I weren’t getting along since well before I became pregnant. He was an alcoholic and abused drugs. About a year after her birth I had decided I’d had enough, and moved out with both children.. . 2 years worth of horrible courtdates and a free attorney left me with joint custody of my oldest, and joint with my middle.
3 days after my emergency c-section of my 1 month premature daughter I had to go to court for both cases. It was horrible. My car was repossessed while I was in court. My attorney refused to even fight and made me take the deal. He said that doing any type of looking into the situation would just cost more.
The fathers had decided that to make my life hell they’d refuse my visitation since I couldn’t do “my” half of the transportation. I couldn’t afford an attorney so long periods of time went by and I couldn’t see them. Eventually they cut off all of my contact. I tried to hire another attorney (one who said that my case was completely unheard of and he didn’t understand why they didn’t fight when he read the evidence) but that day the car I’d been trying to hold onto for about 6 months… just had it’s transmission blown.
I realize I have had bad luck. I’m REALLY trying hard to be a good mom still and I’ve moved out of the state. I’ve met a wonderful man . . .but I still wake up every day and wonder what I could have done better. Why I didn’t try harder… it really hurts because I couldn’t do much of anything from a hospital bed. My tears won’t stop, the emptiness won’t quit, and I wonder constantly if my little girls will hate me someday. I would give anything to go back and try to fix things.
I’m angry, frustrated, sad, and at the same time I keep telling myself that once I can afford a huge legal battle I’ll try again. . . I look at my youngest when she asks about her sisters and choke back tears while trying to put a smile on my face for her. . .But the truth is I worry every day that something like this could happen again. I worry that if I try again, someone will take her. I’m not a bad person, I know that. I’ve made stupid decisions, and had a lot of very bad luck.
My question is… what can I do to move on? How do I make sense of this when nothing makes sense? How do I work towards feeling whole again? Or at least not guilty when I have a good day… it’s hard to smile when in the back of your mind all you can think about is those 2 little girls that I basically walked away from. Not by choice, but even now I wonder if I could have worked more so I could have had more money for the attorney that wasn’t free. I don’t expect pity, or even understanding. I just don’t know where to go to, and I’m embarrassed.
A: Your story reminds me of a client I had years ago. His mother died when he was only 5. His father and new step-mother refused to let him talk about or keep any momentos of his mother and didn’t let him visit his mother’s family. When he reached his 20’s he decided to find the family. He located his grandfather and aunt who were thrilled to see him. He asked why they had abandoned him. They told him that he had been in their thoughts and prayers every day. They took him to a closet that was filled with letters and gifts that they had sent to him but had been returned. He then spent hours opening every gift and reading every letter — amost 20 years worth. It was powerful proof that this family had never abandoned him.
Your daughters are going to want to reconnect. When they reach majority, either they will contact you or you will be free to contact them. When that day comes, their fathers won’t be able to prevent it. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You did the best you could and you can’t change the past. What you can do is keep your life on track and to be ready to receive them when you are reunited. I suggest you start a journal for each of them. Start with a clear explanation of your side of the story. Then write each of them a weekly letter, telling them about your life, about their little sister, and about how much you love and miss them.
I dearly hope that you won’t have to wait much longer to see them. Maybe you’ll find a way to get back to court. Maybe one of them will have enough courage to take on her dad. Maybe a miracle will happen. (They do sometimes.) But whatever the case, keeping a journal will give you a place to put your feelings and will give them concrete evidence that you kept them in your heart and in your life in an on-going way. It’s sad that you won’t be able to replace the years you have lost. But, with love and effort, you will be able to build a mother-daughter relationship with each of them that will last the rest of your lives.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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