Q. Hello, I first met my partner 10 months ago, before i had become close with her she seemed to be your regular happy 20 year old. Once I had become close with her, she told me her problems and how she is always depressed and all the other jazz. She used to find succh comfort in being able to discuss these things with me, and I liked being there for her. At the early stage of our relationship she was suicidal, and was often very violent, towards herself and me. (the violance was not bad towards me, she used to just cry and punch me in the chest while i stopped her from banging her head etc.) One night i called an ambulance for her as she had sent me messages on the phone saying she was going to end it all. At the hospital a lady from the mental crisis team had said she shows some strong traits of BDP, she gave us the names of some doctors and said that they would be able to help, unfortunately once my partner finally did go to call them, the ones she called said they were proberbly not the best ones to deal with her, and she became very unmotivated to seek treatment. Now, the further our relationship moves, the more distant she becomes from me, and life in general. However the suicidal tendencies have stopped. Her depression these days is so much different, she is no longer intimate and shows little compassion for me, she will just start crying, and when i try and comfort her she will push me away, and she says that she has no idea why she is depressed, and why she can’t be happy. I find it frustrating, that the girl i love, won’t let me help her. As much as i shouldn’t i get cranky because our relationship is a one way affair. I put in so much effort to keep us going, i’m not quite sure how long I can take it, and the problem is i love her so much i will want to help her at any cost, even if it means i have to be miserable myself, she is just not something i can walk away from. Any advice would be much appreciated.
A. This sounds like a tough situation for you. The behavior you have described that your partner exhibiting is much like the behavior you would find with someone with borderline personality disorder. I would highly recommend the book I Hate You Don’t Leave Me by authors Jerold J. Kriesman and Hal Straus Avon (1991). It’s a very quick read and it is very informative about the nature of relationships for those with borderline personality disorder.
Your partner is need of professional help. If your partner is not willing to get help then you truly need to reconsider your relationship with this person. It is very unhealthy for you to stay in the relationship that you have described above if it means that you will live miserably and suffer at the expense of your partner. You should be supportive of your partner, of course, but you should not be willing to help your partner at any cost (i.e. at the expense of yourself). Doing so is very damaging to your mental health and not advisable. If you are willing to stay in this relationship no matter what your partner does to you then I would suggest you are also in need of professional help. I know this advice may sound selfish but the truth is relationships come and go. You need to protect yourself and defend yourself against harm be it physical, psychological, emotional, etc. If you do not protect yourself, no one else will. My advice is to encourage your partner to get help. If your partner still refuses, then you should consider moving on. If you partner decides not to get help and you cannot fathom ending the relationship even though your partner decided against help, then I would strongly suggest that you see a therapist. Good luck.
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