Q. My best friend just told me she is engaged to a man she has been seeing off and on for years. He is a terrible person, especially to her. He is opinionated, arrogant, and selfish. He insults everything about her and she just looks away and says nothing. She has told me that she is doing this because she is 42 and there is no one else around. Hr has said to her that he stays with her because he can’t find anyone better. Great couple, huh? I am having a difficult time dealing with this. I feel like no matter what I do, I will lose her friendship sooner or later. We were going to start a business together but now I am telling her it won’t work because he will push his way into our business. I see that she doesn’t stand up for herself so I have come to the conclusion that she would’nt when it came to the business. We use to go to church together on Sunday and then go shopping, it stopped though when he pushed his way into that too. I feel I am losing a friend. What do I do?
A. I think that you feel that you are being pushed out and you would be correct. She has made a choice and it is clear from her behavior. She has made a choice. You don’t agree but it isn’t your choice.
You can try talking to her about him and expressing your opinion. Tell her the reasons that you mentioned above about why you do not think he would be good for her and that you are concerned for her well being and future happiness. Maybe you will not totally lose her as a friend once she is married to him. Perhaps, since they already do not seem to be too fond of one another, she will want to spend time with you to get away from him. It is certainly not an ideal situation but if she marries him for the reasons you mentioned above (i.e. no one else around) you may still have a friend.
As far as a business goes, you are right to reconsider going into business with her since it is entirely possible he could become a large part of it. After all, if you went into this business as 50-50 partners, she could decide she wanted him to have or run her 50 percent at any given time. At the very least, a business partnership with her will likely mean having to deal with him in some way. It is a tough decision but you have to do what is best for you and what you want to do. If you do not like him and she is always with him, you may have to reconsider your friendship and business partnership. If, however, you still want to remain friends, perhaps you two can chose times when he will not be around and still spend quality time together. It is hard to lose a good friend over a guy (or a girl) and it’s hard to watch someone you care for settle for someone who you perceive as not good for them. Whatever happens, it will be up to the two of you to decide how and if this friendship remains a friendship worth saving. I hope that is does. Good luck.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Oct 2006
